Here Goes Nothing...

Tonight is my last night as a North Carolina resident. At least, for a little while. In the morning, I am getting in the car and riding in a car packed with all of my stuff and heading to Alabama. I can't believe this is actually going to happen. We've been talking about it for a couple of weeks, but now it's really going to happen. I have decided to try to keep a blog so that I can reflect and document this journey. I feel like this first post is going to be a big rambling session, but that's what diaries are meant for. And hell, this is my Alabama Diary. Let me start by saying this. I want to experience so much in this world. I want to do everything, I want to see everything, I want to know everyone. I have no choice but to allow change to happen if I want that. Because I can't stay in little nowhere towns in North Carolina forever. I want to know the world and what it's about, and see all of the people God has to offer.I want to change lives of young people and I want to write, and I want to find myself and I want to know true independence and I want to find beautiful people with rich spirits who live like they're poor. People who see beauty in little things like I do. Things like a stack of neatly folded linens. Does anyone else think that is just... so beautiful? Going to Alabama is the best option right now. As a recent college graduate, I cannot stay in my hometown, barely a speck of dust in the grand scheme of the world's bookshelf. And staying at school just won't work out, not matter how much I want to stay with my friends. I have nothing here holding me back, no reason to stay. Except those friends... These people, I swear God made them just for me. We were molded to fit each other, like perfect pieces of a puzzle that fit so tightly together. Alone, we are weird, odd, random, broken, crazy, angry, abstract. But together, we work. I am going to miss my friends so much. Thinking about not being around them makes me physically hurt. I can't imagine my life without Thursday nights with the Dream Team. I can't picture not living across the hall from Jas and Daniel, not hanging out at the Haus of J for good laughs and better music. I'm so scared of being away from these people, and I think it's because they actually make me feel something. When I'm with them, I feel genuine happiness. When I'm with them, I feel like I'm worth something. They make me feel so great and special, and there is quite literally nothing better than spending time with them. Saying goodbye to them... Was so hard for me. Most of them, I didn't even get a proper goodbye. But Jacob says that might be for the best, because we're bad at goodbyes, and these are particularly hard. Our song is "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes. It's an amazing song, and the lyrics are so true: "home is wherever I'm with you." Recently, when we were talking about our song, we realized that the first word in that song is 'Alabama.' Irony? Probably so. But no matter where I am, nothing will feel quite as right as when I'm with those people. And then there is this girl. She came into my life so randomly. And I won't say that it was love at first sight because I don't even remember the first time we met. All I know is that my life will never be the same because of her. Never once did I question myself or my sexuality when it came to Madison. I just did it, I just let it happen. And through so much Mad-ness, somehow I can't stop letting happen. Distance is going to be hard for us. But I have faith that we'll make it through and keep each other strong. I never knew what it meant to be in love with someone until now... And it's the most terrifying and gratifying feeling in the world. A constant high, but when you're not in the presence of that person it just hurts and you go into withdrawals. It hurts being away from her. But hey, we got this. And I hope she knows that, too. I'm leaving behind a lot in North Carolina. Parents who never did shit for me, which in the end turned out to be a great thing. Because I learned the value of inner strength, how to take care of myself, and that nobody in this world is rock solid forever. Two sisters and a brother, who hold my heart. And as much as I hate leaving them in nowheres-ville, I know that running out into the world and grabbing it full-force is the best way to be a role model for them. To show them what they can do. Western Carolina University, my heart and soul. The place that helped shape me into a woman, the place that showed me what the word 'home' is all about. I will bleed Catamount purple until the day that I die. The "Pride of the Mountains" Marching Band gave me so many opportunities. It changed my life, gave me the best friends I've ever had, took me all across the country, and most importantly- gave me the opportunity to change others' lives. Best friends, a girl I love, mountains and cool air, my Alma Mater, and every single memory I have made for the past twenty-two years. I am basically saying goodbye to my entire life thus far. But now I get to walk into the new chapter of my life. And I am walking into it with open arms. I know it won't be easy, I know it's going to challenge me and scare me and choke me sometimes. But I'm okay with that, because nothing that comes easy is ever really worth it. I'm ready to meet the resistance. And I'm ready to trample it. Here I will document my experiences for the beginning of my time in Alabama. I'm so excited, so nervous, and all together overwhelmed. But with the support of my friends and the drive I have from within- I know I'll make it. This is it... Alabama, here I come.