Patiently Waiting

Well I have hit a bit of a snag in all of the progression that was happening over the last couple of weeks. Unfortunately, the people of Target are not being very professional. I thought I was going to be starting my orientation this week, but they have not called me. I was supposed to hear something on Wednesday around three, still haven't heard anything. I've called, left messages, everything short of stomping my happy ass in there and demanding a schedule. I'm not really sure what's going on with them, but I'm wondering if this is a sign that I am supposed to be somewhere else. I really don't know what I am supposed to be doing, but I am still applying to other places and keeping my options open. If I don't have anything set in stone with Target by the beginning of the week, I will be going to the Autuaga campus of the Department of Youth Services to apply for a position as a Youth Aide.

I'm just really getting to that point where I am so ready to get to the next step. I don't want to wish time away or anything, but I keep thinking about a car and having my own place and being able to visit my friends- all of which require money. I want to be able to go wherever I want to, to go sit in a park with a book and a sandwich, to be able to pick up a cup of coffee and do some window shopping, to be able to explore a different church every Sunday. I am desperate for that freedom, and in order to get it- I need a car. And in order to get a car, I need money. I want to be able to go out to bars or a gym and start meeting people. I want that option.

But I have had the opportunity to spend some time with my Gram, which I am always thankful for. Yesterday she took me to the library so that I could get my hands on some books to keep me occupied. I picked up Looking for Alaska and Paper Towns by John Green, as well as a few others. I'm about halfway through Looking for Alaska, and it is phenomenal. We also went out for some lunch at Wendy's and she showed me a really cool store that is almost like an indoor yardsale. It was awesome, and gave lots of ideas for things I want when I have apartment. I also went to this really sketch place called, 'Beauty Supply' to look for some hair products. But the girl with the bright red weave was very helpful, and I tested the products she suggested me out today. They worked great haha. I also had dinner with Gram last night and we watched a movie on TBS. I'm so thankful for that time I get to spend with her, although she isn't a 22 year-old bombshell anymore, she is still the most amazing woman I know.

I'm trying to keep positive and remember that things will pan out the way they are supposed to. I'm just ready for that to happen!!!

Presbyterian Churches

I have been going to a Presbyterian church since I was born. I was born, baptized and raised by the congregation at Quaker Meadows Presbyterian Church, rumored to be the first church built in North Carolina. For over half of my life, I lived in the big white manse right beside the church. I spent summers riding my bike in the big church parking lot. We had a small church family, that extended out and every August the pews were full for Homecoming. Every person in the church knew me and my sisters, accompanied every Sunday by our Gram and Granddad. We attended all events (ham and chicken pie suppers, car washes, annual yardsales, etc.), sang in the choir, and made up half the youth group. I made a lot of memories being a member of that church. When I left for college, I never found another church to go to. No place I went ever seemed quite right, I guess because I always had Quaker Meadows in my heart. When I would visit home, I would sometimes go to church with my Gram. But there were new people there, and they looked at me like I was the visitor. Like I hadn't walked around that place barefoot and in diapers before. When my grandparents moved to Alabama, my sisters stopped going to church there because my mom would never take them. Now that place is simply a memory, of seventeen years or so of my life.

Today, I went to church in Alabama with my grandparents. My Granddad has been bugging me about it, and I knew my Gram would enjoy it. And let me be honest, I probably could use a little bit of salvation right about now. Some spiritual healing, if you will. Closure and a clear head. So I got up this morning and got myself ready, wore the new top and earrings I just bought at Kohl's yesterday. I was feeling pretty good about the idea. I thought, if nothing else, maybe I will finally meet someone my age that I can actually talk to. So I went. I've been to a couple of Presbyterian churches at this point, and I have come to the conclusion that most (if not all) of them are pretty much the same. The following criteria can be found at most Presbyterian churches:

• Long, cushioned pews. They usually have a couple of pillow-like extra cushions on each pew for old ladies with bad backs. 
• Stained glass windows. They're pretty to look at, I guess. 
• An area at the front of the sanctuary with rows in the back for the choir. A couple of big chairs on either side for the pastor and/or choir director. Pulpit in the front. Preacher doesn't move from there. 
• Old-ish men handing out bulletins when you walk in the door. 
• Bulletins with announcements on the back. The pastor will inevitably read all of these announcements off, even though almost everyone in the church who cares about the announcements can probably read. 
• Call To Worship- where the pastor reads of a line, and then the congregation reads off the next line (usually bolded for clarity) in a very slow, monotonous unison. 
• Old people. Everywhere. The members of the church have been there for ages. Decades, literally. The young adults in the congregation, are the children of the old people who have been there for ages. And they have kids, too. But as far as cool, quirky young people who just get excited for Jesus- nah. None of that here. Old people. I'm talking seventies and eighties. And older. 
• Soft music being played on the piano while everyone is coming in, sitting in the same seat they have been sitting in for 30 years, and discussing their weeks with the people they like. 
• Gossip. Presbyterian women LOVE their gossip. They will mouth things to each other and mumble under their breath to their husbands while the choir and pastor are coming out to the pulpit. They gossip about everything, from who isn't there today to what they made for dinner last night to how so and so is gaining weight. Everything, trust me. 
• Stoicism. Once the preacher starts talking, everyone sits up straight and stares straight ahead (apart from the ones still gossiping). They clutch their bulletins in their hands and await the daily procedure of announcements, call to worship, song from the choir, prayer, song from the congregation, prayer, hymn, etc. etc. 
• Children's time. Always, some oldish man or lady with a piece of paper crumpled in their hand, will ask all of the children to come to the front of the church. That man or woman will then go through their poorly last-minute prepared diddy about how sharing is caring or how to show love. The kids won't pay attention. They'll wave to their mom and dad, pick at the bows on their dress, mess with the kid beside them, and count down the long seconds until they are finally dismissed to go downstairs for Children's Church and get away from the boring stuff. 
• Hymnals. Presbyterians must not believe in the power of today's contemporary Christian music. Because you won't see any of that here, unless there is some young soul who feels brave enough to ask to perform a Chris Tomlin song for Homecoming or something. Otherwise, you'll stick to the dusty red hymnals, whose pages are turning yellow. Every Sunday, you'll sing the same basic hymns like "To God be the Glory," and "All Things Bright and Beautiful." The piano player will probably miss half of the notes, and play in her own time signature. But nobody in the church will really notice, and if they do- they'll just keep on singing. They know how the melody is supposed to go anyway. 
• Getting out by noon. One thing you can always look forward to in Presbyterian church, is that no matter how boring the pastor's sermon is, you will almost always get out by noon. Presbyterians love and cherish their Sunday dinners and lazy afternoons. Don't worry. Twelve o'clock will be here soon. 
• Covered dishes. My God, Presbyterians will use anything as an excuse to have a covered dish. It's almost a competition to see who can make the best deviled eggs. Because there will always- ALWAYS- be at least 6 trays of deviled eggs. My sisters and I always appreciated this quality. Good lunch at least two Sundays out of the month. Too many desserts to choose from. Always walking home with a to-go plate for dinner later. 

This church, I can tell, is not one for me. I didn't feel God or his spirit in that place. All I felt was a bunch of judgmental, old-fashioned people, who couldn't stop staring at me. Because you KNOW I was the only person of color in the congregation. People who don't really talk to you if you're new to the place. Their smiles are half-hearted, and really they just want to know who you are and what you're doing there. When the preacher was talking about abortion in the first five minutes of speaking, I knew it was time to get out of there. I'm going to have to do my own research and find a church that I am interested in going to. Because I really do want to find a cool place that I can go and meet people, and most importantly have that spiritual release. But the First Presbyterian Church of Prattville, Alabama is just... not that place for me. I think it might be time to venture out into other denominations (not that they've ever really mattered to me anyway). I want to find the Christians who believe in God and his love, but who also believe in loving everyone as they are- rather than shoving scripture down someone's throat. The kind of people who want to be the best that they can, but they aren't worried about what their neighbor is doing. The kind of people with genuine smiles, who welcome you to their place of worship and make you want to be there. With a pastor who excites you and makes you think and consider your life. That's what I'm looking for. Hopefully, snuggled deep down in the Bible Belt South, I can find that. 

First Breakdown.

Well I had my first breakdown yesterday, and I have to say I think it came out of nowhere. It was weird because I have been in such a great mood lately. But I do have Bipolar Disorder, and unfortunately, that means that sometimes my mood is completely out of my hands. We were having a birthday party for my cousin Caroline, who is 13 today. Kathy's parents came and my grandparents were here as well. We had pizza and soda and everyone was in a good mood. But everything was getting on my nerves. I have this weird thing about me, which makes everyday sounds amplify in my head and drive me insane. For example: breathing, snoring, chewing, slurping, tapping pens, ticking clocks, popping gum. Those things are the worst. Well my granddad happens to be the loudest chewer in history. And I swear it was driving me crazy. My cousin Maddie was slurping her coke out of the bottle cap and I seriously thought I was going to punch her in the face. I wish that I didn't have this stupid quirk (my sister found out it is a legit condition called Misophonia- which has no cure). Because it makes me insane. And simple sounds can drive me to the point of tears, where I am so anxious and so uncomfortable. Also every time someone spoke I just got annoyed. I don't know what was happening to me, but I feel like I was just overwhelmed. I'm having to readjust to being around a 'family' again, and not being on my own. I'm not used to being surrounded by anyone other than college kids my age. And I think it's taking a toll on me. I had to leave the table and went into my room, laid down on the bed and cried for a few minutes. I wanted to text someone, but my friends are slowly starting to text me less and less. I know they are busy living their lives and being happy and excited about the new year and semester. So I didn't text anyone and I laid there and cried. I missed them lighting the candles and singing happy birthday. I dried my eyes and decided I needed to suck it up and eat some cake and ice cream. Once I was done I walked over to my Gram's and I started to really feel better. I hate my disorder, it makes me crazy. And it always puts me in a bad mood at the worst times. Today, I am working on not being pissed at Madison. It's not really working, but I vented on Tumblr and got everything out, so now I just really need to move on. I want to remain in that state where I'm like 'fuck you, I'm brilliant. See ya never.' I don't want to cry over her, or be mad about it or anything. I just want to let it go and FORGET. Move on. She fucked me up. But I gotta keep it moving.

Yesterday I took my drug test for this job at Target. I am sincerely praying that I passed the test. It's been about two weeks since I last smoked, for my birthday. And I drank a lot of water and am hoping for the best. Having to explain that one to my family would just... not be good. So please, let us all say a prayer that I passed my drug test and can start working soon. So ready to get my life started here! I don't want to be lonely and bitter and sad. I want to be happy and excited!!!!!!!!!!

Falling Into Place.

Things are beginning to do so, and quite nicely. That's such a good and secure feeling. I had my second interview at Target today, this time in person. I nailed it! They loved me and offered me a job in Guest Services. So I'm stoked because I don't even have to go right into being a cashier. For now, I just have to pass a drug test tomorrow and wait for them to get my results back, and then it's smooth sailing into orientation. I honestly cannot wait, and I am just so happy! Today has been a great day. I got to hang out with my Gram and we made brownies and frozen pizzas and I watched American Idol and I got this job and I relaxed, and I smiled a lot. Some good things happened for my friends back at school as well, and we are all just really blessed right now. I was talking to a friend today, and telling him about how happy I am that I made this decision. I was so nervous about moving down here, whether or not it was the right decision or not. But I have complete confidence that I have done myself a very good deed by stepping out of my comfort zone and taking such a huge step. I truly hope that this job with Target works out so that I can venture out and start meeting people and getting out of the house. Kathy is going to have her baby any day now! She had some pre-contractions today and gave us all a pretty big scare. So the new baby will be here before we know it- and I couldn't be happier that I will have a job to get me away from the madness for a while. I'm just really happy with the direction my life is moving in- finally getting somewhere. I'm proud of myself for making this decision and can't wait to see what happens within the next week or so!

Today is Where Your Book Begins

....The rest is still unwritten.

AH! I love that song, and it has really been speaking to me the last couple of days. Natasha Bedingfield really couldn't have said it any better. It's all about today, living in the now and forgetting about the past (the bad stuff, at least. Of course it's okay to remember the good things). I am in such a good mood. I feel like a brand new person and I think it has a lot to do with some of the decisions I made yesterday. I'm so glad I got my feelings down because it gave me some clear insight into what my next few steps should be. And I can honestly say that I made the right choices. And hey, that's a good feeling!

First, I cranked up my Girl Power playlist on Spotify and found some inner strength. Then I broke things off with the girl who has been stringing me along for months now. I don't regret what we had, or giving her ten chances. I learned a lot from my relationship with her. She was my first love, and my first heartbreak. And damn, heartbreak hurts like a mug. But I am pretty regretful of how I allowed her to make me feel about myself. I felt worthless without her. I let the bad feelings slide because when she made me feel good, damn she made me feel good. My confidence and my happiness depended on her- and that is never okay. I have been seeing a lot of good stuff through my Tumblr lately that has spoken to me. A quote that I saw this morning says,

 "Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you are in trouble. Because that reason can be taken from you." 

Isn't that so true?! I mean, can't we just be happy because we woke up this morning? Because it's whatever kind of weather it is outside? Because we have coffee, or good books, or great music, or cute earrings, or cool family, or sweet text messages? I guess at the end of the day, those are reasons too. But they're simple. We're alive and we have the power to do anything- and I intend to do some great things. So I let her go. And I don't think she expected it. I think she assumed that I was going to let her keep messing with my head and come around when it was convenient for her, because that's how it's always been. Well not anymore, boo! And I have to tell you how great it felt when I sent that text message that said, "Goodbye, Madison." I set my phone down and danced around like crazyyy, just knowing that i had finally found that strength in myself. It's a monumental moment!! And even better, I sent a text message to my friends letting them know my decision- and they are all so very supportive. They've known for a while that this was the decision I should have made a long time ago. But they always stuck by my side and were there to let me cry in their laps. And now, no more crying. Only rejoicing! Because Jessica is back, and not only is she back- she is going to be better than ever. SEE YA NEVER, TRICK.

I also made my 'Good Things' jar, which I am very excited about. Doing crafts always helps me to get my mind off of things, and I just love making stuff. So I spent a good hour decorating this jar and doing a few other crafty things. And I've already put two things in my jar! I plan to continue throughout the year, filling the jar with little and big good things that happen to me. I was thinking about keeping a scrapbook of my first year here, as well. Something to think about. But seeing the jar sitting on my dresser just makes me really excited because I intend for it to be full at the end of of the year. And I can't wait to look back and reflect!

My second interview at Target was rescheduled for Wednesday afternoon. Kind of a bummer because I am READYYY to get a job, but I can wait two more days, I guess. I spent most of the morning babysitting my cousin while my uncle and his wife went to the doctor (she is pregnant, about to pop any day now). The girls are coming back from their mom's today and will be here for the week. Not sure yet whether I am ready for that or not- Maddie is quite the talker. But I've missed them and it'll be good to have someone besides me and Jason in the house. Plus they'll be at school for most of the day anyways.

I'm excited to see what happens this week, and crossing my fingers for this job. I'm so ready to meet people! I have the most terrible spending habits of anyone I know. Growing up poor, when I finally had some money in my hands- I couldn't wait to spend it. And that has stuck with me. I find that I literally waste my money away on things like food, alcohol, random outings and shopping trips, etc. And before I know it, I'm broke again. As soon as I have my job, I am going to keep a lock box at my Gram's house. All of my paychecks will go into that box and she will keep watch over it. Unlike my mother, my Gram can be trusted not to take money from me. So I'm hoping that within just a couple of months, I will have my own car. And I hope this will teach me a real lesson about saving and focusing on what's important. I have a little over $300 in my bank account now, and I plan to keep that there to use as my spending money, phone bill money, etc. But right now I don't even need spending money because I have no friends or social life... Yeah, that has GOT to change. And quickly!

Below is a photo of my Good Things jar. I can't wait to fill it up!!! 

Today is where your book begins. Make it a good introduction!!!! 

Good Things

Today I'd like to focus on the reasons I have to be happy and what I'm going to do to enjoy my life right now. Enough feeling sorry for myself and wasting my time on people who don't deserve my efforts. It's a new year and I'm in a new place and it's time to say fuck the rest and be awesome.

Good things, reasons to be happy: 

• Jacob. 
• Jasmin.
• Joel.
• Avery.
• Daniel.
• Kiara.
• Brandie.
• Stephen.
• Alyssa. 
• Awesome family members who have helped me out so much at the start of this year. Aunt Sharon for letting me stay with her when my mom went psycho, Uncle Bobby and Kathy for letting me move in with them in Alabama until I get on my feet. Hannah for being awesome and Skyping with me for 3 hours, even though she doesn't realize she's helping me keep my mind off of the things eating away at me. Gram for literally ALWAYS being there to support me, take me places, and give me wisdom. I am so blessed to be living next to her again, as that has always been such a big part of my life. I have come to realize that my mom has really kept me from my other family for most of my life, and I didn't even understand how willing they are to help me. I am so grateful for the opportunities that have presented themselves and for having loving extended family that is here to help me. 
• I graduated! Going to college was always on my list of things to do. From the time that I was old enough to understand what college was. Since I was seven years old, college meant escape, freedom, becoming better, having more, and getting away from my small town and my house. It meant getting to be whoever I wanted to be, learn as much as I wanted. When I walked across that stage in December, it was seriously an out-of-body experience. I couldn't believe that I had actually come so far as to graduate. It was crazy. For that reason alone, I should be so proud of myself. Two degrees over here. Come on. 
• I MADE A CHANGE. I, Jessica- who is terrified of change once she gets comfortable- packed my stuff and moved to Alabama, where the only people I know are my uncle and grandmother. I left the mountains of Western North Carolina, which have been my home for 22 years. I left my school, where I finally made meaning of the word 'home.' Left behind my best friends, who have shown me how it feels to be truly loved and appreciated. They showed me what I deserve, lifted me up and brought out the best in me. But I left them behind because I knew that it was time. And moving down here was such a big thing for me, because I was so scared. But I did it, dammit. And I'm here. 
• I made it through my first phone interview last week, and have an interview in person tomorrow. Getting a job so quickly into my move here would be so awesome. I need a car. And I need something to do so I can start meeting people around here. *Crosses fingers.*
• I have a bed. Hey, that sounds stupid, but at home I slept on the floor. I didn't have my own room and I slept on the floor crammed into my little brother's room. Here, I have my own room. With a bed, a dresser, a CLOSET. It's a small luxury that people take for granted everyday. But I am so thankful for that. 
• Skype. Without it I would die. But it allows me to keep in touch with my sister and my friends while they are all a million miles away getting ready for their second semester to start. I miss them so much, but getting to see their faces and laugh with them over webcam makes the distance a little bit more manageable. 
• Being in a place with opportunities. Prattville and Montgomery are both much bigger cities than the two that I have lived in. I'm excited because you can actually go shopping in Prattville. They have stores!!!!! They have restaurants! They have things to do! Hey, those are all great things that I should be thankful for, because it's a huge step up. 
• Music. My God, I swear my Spotify is playing every single song that is relevant to me right now. I'm trying not to even push the skip button because I feel like it understands what I need right now. Music has saved my life so many times. I'm thankful for the ability to lay down and just listen to good music. 
• God is good. I need to keep that in mind. He's not going to bring me to any challenge that he knows I will not excel at. My director last year always told me that I needed to learn that "when you meet resistance, trample it." I have to understand that even through the tough times, God has my back. And I WILL get through it. But I can't give up.

Things I want to do in the near future: 

• Make a 'Good Things in 2013 jar.' Even though Stephen refuses to do it with me because he says that nothing good has happened in the first two weeks and he doesn't foresee that changing, I want to do it. I'm going to ask my Gram for a jar and decorate it, and try to fill it with good things that happen this year. And I'm not looking for major, monumental things. Simple things can be good, too. 
• Get over it. I've realized that right now, I am just not meant to be with anyone. And the person I want to be with is making me crazy. But I have to get over it, and realize that I am a piece of top quality, prime real estate. Anyone who doesn't see that, doesn't deserve me. We all know it's so much easier said than done to let something go, but I have to. And I know I can. I'm not a backup plan, a second choice, and I am not a rag doll. Gotta get over it. Move on. Let go. 
• Make a friend. I'm the kind of person that doesn't do well being alone all the time with nothing to do. People are my passion, and human interaction is as much a necessity as breathing. Although I love talking to and texting my friends from home daily, I need to find people here that I can hang out with and get to know. 
• Dance more. I find that when I dance around my room like a crazy person, I feel better. And hey, that's an easy fix to a bad mood. 

I just rambled so hard, but I have to get my thoughts out so that they don't drive me insane. I am so thankful for this change, and I know that I made the best decision in coming here. Distance ain't nothing but a thing, and I know I'll see those people I love so much soon. We'll keep in touch and they'll always be with me. Now I've got to focus on where I am and what I'm doing here. There's a reason God brought me here, and I can't wait to find out what that reason is. 2013. Live. Love. Let go. Move on. Find myself. Have fun. Go crazy. Reach. 

Adventures in Montgomery

So going into the city today was great! My uncle took me around for the majority of the afternoon. He took me to the Cloverdale community, which is right near a Huntingdon College. He used to live there in a cute little townhouse that was turned into several apartments. And I hope to move into that same house because it as super cool and very vintage. He said a lot of people my age live around there, so it would be pretty awesome to rent out an apartment that's in a house with other people who may or may not be cool. He showed me some of Alabama State, which was pretty sweet. We ate at the biggest and most delicious Chinese buffet I've ever been to. Yes, we had Chinese food two nights in a row. SUE ME!!!!! I noticed that there was a considerable amount of black people at this restaurant, which was comforting. Since I'm mixed, I enjoy seeing people of both of my races around me. There were also plenty of them at the mall my uncle took me to. The mall was very nice, very clean and had a lot of good stores. I can see myself spending some time there shopping and what not, once I make some friends of course. There were so many freaking preteens there and it made me want to shoot myself because they think they're super cool, and it's annoying. But hey, I got hit on by a 14 year old so there we go. We really did a lot of driving around and he showed me the Air Force base where he worked up until recently, as well as several other things. I can't wait until I have my own car and start to get familiar with the area. Uncle Bobby says I should consider getting a pick up truck because it will be easier when I decide to move, especially when I have to look into getting furniture and stuff. I can't really see myself driving a pickup, but hell it's the south. Whatever. I am currently in a food coma and feeling very fine, so I just wanted to get this stuff down and now I'm going to relax in my room with the lights down low. BIG Saturday night, I know. Below is a picture of that awesome house I want to live in. Or something like it, anyway.

Heading into the City

My uncle is taking me into Montgomery today, and I'm so stoked! The city of Prattville where they actually live, is about 10 or 15 minutes outside of Montgomery. It's awesome being close to a big city that has a lot of history and culture. I can't wait to go out there and check everything out! I'm a little worried because I haven't really gotten a feel for what the style is like here, and I have a pretty set style that defines who I am... I hope Alabama is cool with it, cause I'm not really ready to change it. My style is hard to define, because I always change things up, but it is very unique to who I am and was always something I prided myself on at school. Hopefully the people of Montgomery don't get too freaked out by my style (I'm from a pretty liberal school). Last night I went to a Chinese buffet with my Uncle and we got to bond and talk a little bit. He's not even forty yet, so he's pretty cool and knows the deal. I'm excited to go into the city with him and get to talk to him more. Also, today I am having some realizations. I realize that things ARE about to change. They already have. Things are about to get crazy with my friends going back to school on Monday, and I have got to get to the point where I am okay with that. Missing out on things, not being there for the little inside jokes and good laughs... My time has come to leave, and although I miss them so freaking much, it's time to move on and start building my life here. That goes for Madison, too. I am already feeling some sort of weird pull from her and I don't know how to explain it. I'm worried that she's going back through another phase of missing her ex-girlfriend. But this is it. One time and I'm done, because I can't put all my effort into making this long-distance thing work if she's not doing the same. I'm not trying anymore. Whatever happens happens, and that's the way it's going to be. I can't keep myself tied to that place so much that I don't allow myself to really get grounded here. It's time to grow up and move on with my life. And my God, I wish I could explain how terrifying that is. But I know what I want in life, I know what I deserve. And I'm going to go get that. Hopefully today brings forth a lot of good time for me to clear my head and really start getting rooted here. It's a high of 70 and I couldn't be more excited about that. I'm also going to try to remember to take more pictures so that I can add them to my blog. Starting with today.

Small Victories

I'm sitting on the couch, watching my three-year-old cousin watch Ice Age and eating a breakfast burrito. Kathy just left for work and Uncle Bobby is still asleep from working all night so it's just me and the kid. I'm starting to miss the girls (they go to their mom's every other week), but I can't deny that I do enjoy the peace and quiet that comes with not having Maddie around for a few days. This morning I had a job interview via telephone with Target. It's not an ideal long-term career choice, but hell it's a job. And a job means money and money means a car and eventually an apartment. And my uncle always says it's easier to find a job when you've got a job. So I am thankful for it. The phone interview went well, and I used the previous experience from my past job as Staff Coordinator to answer pretty much ever question. It made me realize just how much I learned about work and coordinating and responsibility while working with the marching band. And of course, it made me miss it. I have a second interview in person on Monday and I am ready to impress them and hopefully get the job so I can move forward with saving money. Did I mention how terrible I am at saving my money? If I have it, I want to spend it. I've never been good at saving, which is probably why I don't have much of anything right now. But my eyes are on the prize. And right now, the prize is a car and my own mode of transportation. I've got to keep my head on right and make that happen. Crossing my fingers for this job! All of my friends are making their way to Cullowhee this weekend. Many of them are already there. I'm getting phone calls and texts about Purple Thunder, our indoor drumline, which many of my friends and Madison participate in. Today is their first rehearsal and I just want to be there. I remember PT being my first assignment when I began my job as Staff Co, and now my friends Daniel and Jacob are getting to experience it as the new ones. Getting their texts and seeing pictures is really great, but at the same time... I'm sad. I know that once everyone gets back to school and I get a job and our schedules become busy, we will not be able to text each other and talk as much. Madison's ex is coming back to their room today, which means we'll barely even have Skype opportunities anymore. It sucks when you realize that peoples' lives DO go on without you. No matter how much of an influence I had on the band and the people in it, it's going to continue to run and flourish without me there. There will be people who come in and continue to change it, and eventually not a single person in the band will even know who I am. That is such a giant pill to swallow, and bitter as hell. I love these people and I am not ready to let them out of my life. I just hope they aren't ready to let me out of theirs, either. That being said, I am excited for change and new things to come. I'm ready to get a job and start meeting people. I'm stoked about this Target possibility, because when I was daydreaming about coming to Alabama, I pictured myself working there as my first job. I'm not sure why or what that means, but that's pretty cool. I'm ready to have exciting stories to tell so I'm not just babbling about my adventures in babysitting... I'm ready for that life I've been waiting for.

Week One: Halfway Done

I'm sitting here in my room, watching Friday Night Lights and painting my nails, taking a break from applying to jobs. Kiara said she was waiting on a new post, so I happily obliged, and I suppose it is time for a new post. I'm halfway through my first week in Alabama and so far it's going pretty well! I have had the opportunity to venture into the city of Prattville with my uncle and his wife. We went to Wal-Mart and STEAK AND SHAKE, which was awesome. Uncle Bobby is planning on taking me into Montgomery sometime this week, and I'm really excited for that. When I asked him and Kathy what kind of nightlife there is around here, they both just laughed... I forget that they have three kids, another one on the way. There social life, going out days are over. So I'm really really really hoping that I find a job sooner rather than later. One, I want to be able to start saving up money for my own car. And two, I really want to start meeting some people my age. I can't not have people in my life, can't not talk to people who are on my level. I'm really missing my friends right now and I think it's getting especially bad because I know that they are all about to be together again at school this weekend. They'll get back to their routines and be around each other all of the time, and it sucks knowing I'm not going back there with them. I miss them all so much. And I've been Skyping with Madison on a regular basis, but missing her is already nearly unbearable. I know it's going to be even harder once she's back at school and has a million things to do and I have a job and things to do as well. I just have to keep it in my head that we'll make this work and I'm going to see them all soon. Hopefully very soon. Yesterday I babysat my three-year-old cousin, Jason. He was a handful and he kept me on my toes. But I also got a little sad watching him. It's crazy to think about how kids get such gratification and enjoyment from the simplest things like jumping from one couch to the other. They laugh and play and have such complex minds, but simple views. I wish life stayed like that forever. I wish that we could still get so much from the smallest things. But as soon as you grow up, you starting wanting more. There is pressure to go off and be great, pressure to go to school and to excel in it, pressure to graduate and find your dream job, get a house, be engaged by 23, married by 25. And then after that there is family and mortgages and soccer practices and birthday parties and I just want to slowwww down. I don't want any of that just yet. I want to meet people and experience things and find who I am and stick with that and craft it. I'm hoping that Montgomery has that to offer me. Or at least a piece of the puzzle that I am trying to put together in figuring out what I want in life. The dream job would be nice... A car would be great. If I can get a car, I'll go from there. Who knows if my destiny is here? All I know is that destiny has brought me here to this point and I am for right now okay with that- even though distance... really sucks. I know that it will get easier once I have established myself here. I've got to find that bold and courageous girl that everyone from Western NC knows. That girl who can talk to anyone, who is fearless and loves life and gets up every day smiling and laughing. I want to establish myself here and find people and let them find out who I am and allow me to change them. Crossing my fingers for that.

The Morning After

Well, I made it to Alabama. The drive yesterday was pretty smooth. Aunt Sharon kept me awake with her stories and life advice. Something she said that will probably always stick with me is "You can't make people live up to their potential. You can't change people." That's appropriate for me because anyone who knows me knows that I am the fixer. I try to fix everyone and make them unbroken and whole and push them into the amazing person that I know they can be. But I can't always do that. We stopped twice for gas and bathroom breaks, and by the time I got to Alabama, it looked like any other place. Apparently there are swamps and alligators around here, though- which I was NOT made aware of beforehand. If I see an alligator, I'm jumping ship to California! The house is nice and fairly spacious. They live in the outskirts of a town called Pratville, which is ten minutes away from Montgomery. The road is in the process of being paved, so right now it is just orange dirt. But the house is cute and my grandparents live in the little guest cottage behind it. My room belonged to my ten-year-old cousin, Maddie, who cleared it out for me. It is pepto-bismol pink, but it's bigger than any other room I've ever lived in and it has a bed... That's good enough for me. I spent a good majority of yesterday in the house alone unpacking all of my stuff and putting it away. I went to my Gram's for a dinner break- ham and sweet potatoes. My granddad talked my ear off (bless his heart), until I was driven crazy enough to come back and finish unpacking. When I finished, I pulled out a letter from my friend Jacob. He wrote it for me and I didn't want to read it until I was here. The letter broke my heart. Maybe because Jacob isn't one to get into his feelings too much, or maybe because the written words helped to make this move and the reality of it more concrete. But I laid in my bed and cried until my cousins and uncle got back. I wonder if that's going to happen often? I tend to be pretty pitiful and emotional when I get overwhelmed. Will I ever get used to missing Cullowhee and the mountains and the beautiful people who make me feel complete? Will I get used to that little chunk of my heart that is now missing? Right now I miss Madison so much that it hurts. Physically, my body aches because she isn't here. Getting to Skype with her last night was great. But with me being an hour behind her and her being sick and overdosing on cough medicine... much talking didn't get done. I know that we will work it out to where we will get a schedule going, and eventually I will be Skyping with her and my friends on a regular basis. I remember in the car, my Aunt Sharon talking to me about Madison. I told her that we were solid and ready and we were going to take it one day at ta time and hope for the best. "You know distance is going to be hard, right?" She told me that this semester will be the trailmark for us, the test. But I know that I'm ready and Madison is ready and well... We can do it. So far everything has been very basic. I'm sure that soon we will talk about how I am going to go about my job search and I'll start getting a feel for the area. I'm nervous but excited. I am SO glad I invested in a smartphone so that I can send pictures and keep in touch with my friends more efficiently. My biggest fear is knowing that eventually me not being there won't feel weird anymore. It'll be the new... normal. And I worry that they'll stop missing me and life will just keep going. And of course it will continue on, that's life. But I'm going to do everything I can to remain close with these people. As for my psychotic parents who kicked my sister out of the house last weekend and told me I had until yesterday to get my own stuff out- I'll see ya never. Thanks for nothing, because your nothing turned into something. It turned into fire and passion and so much drive to get out and do better for myself than you ever could have done for me. I graduated high school on that nothing. Graduated from college with honors thanks to that nothing. Preeshate you, really. Day one in Alabama, complete. Let's see what day two has to offer.

Here Goes Nothing...

Tonight is my last night as a North Carolina resident. At least, for a little while. In the morning, I am getting in the car and riding in a car packed with all of my stuff and heading to Alabama. I can't believe this is actually going to happen. We've been talking about it for a couple of weeks, but now it's really going to happen. I have decided to try to keep a blog so that I can reflect and document this journey. I feel like this first post is going to be a big rambling session, but that's what diaries are meant for. And hell, this is my Alabama Diary. Let me start by saying this. I want to experience so much in this world. I want to do everything, I want to see everything, I want to know everyone. I have no choice but to allow change to happen if I want that. Because I can't stay in little nowhere towns in North Carolina forever. I want to know the world and what it's about, and see all of the people God has to offer.I want to change lives of young people and I want to write, and I want to find myself and I want to know true independence and I want to find beautiful people with rich spirits who live like they're poor. People who see beauty in little things like I do. Things like a stack of neatly folded linens. Does anyone else think that is just... so beautiful? Going to Alabama is the best option right now. As a recent college graduate, I cannot stay in my hometown, barely a speck of dust in the grand scheme of the world's bookshelf. And staying at school just won't work out, not matter how much I want to stay with my friends. I have nothing here holding me back, no reason to stay. Except those friends... These people, I swear God made them just for me. We were molded to fit each other, like perfect pieces of a puzzle that fit so tightly together. Alone, we are weird, odd, random, broken, crazy, angry, abstract. But together, we work. I am going to miss my friends so much. Thinking about not being around them makes me physically hurt. I can't imagine my life without Thursday nights with the Dream Team. I can't picture not living across the hall from Jas and Daniel, not hanging out at the Haus of J for good laughs and better music. I'm so scared of being away from these people, and I think it's because they actually make me feel something. When I'm with them, I feel genuine happiness. When I'm with them, I feel like I'm worth something. They make me feel so great and special, and there is quite literally nothing better than spending time with them. Saying goodbye to them... Was so hard for me. Most of them, I didn't even get a proper goodbye. But Jacob says that might be for the best, because we're bad at goodbyes, and these are particularly hard. Our song is "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes. It's an amazing song, and the lyrics are so true: "home is wherever I'm with you." Recently, when we were talking about our song, we realized that the first word in that song is 'Alabama.' Irony? Probably so. But no matter where I am, nothing will feel quite as right as when I'm with those people. And then there is this girl. She came into my life so randomly. And I won't say that it was love at first sight because I don't even remember the first time we met. All I know is that my life will never be the same because of her. Never once did I question myself or my sexuality when it came to Madison. I just did it, I just let it happen. And through so much Mad-ness, somehow I can't stop letting happen. Distance is going to be hard for us. But I have faith that we'll make it through and keep each other strong. I never knew what it meant to be in love with someone until now... And it's the most terrifying and gratifying feeling in the world. A constant high, but when you're not in the presence of that person it just hurts and you go into withdrawals. It hurts being away from her. But hey, we got this. And I hope she knows that, too. I'm leaving behind a lot in North Carolina. Parents who never did shit for me, which in the end turned out to be a great thing. Because I learned the value of inner strength, how to take care of myself, and that nobody in this world is rock solid forever. Two sisters and a brother, who hold my heart. And as much as I hate leaving them in nowheres-ville, I know that running out into the world and grabbing it full-force is the best way to be a role model for them. To show them what they can do. Western Carolina University, my heart and soul. The place that helped shape me into a woman, the place that showed me what the word 'home' is all about. I will bleed Catamount purple until the day that I die. The "Pride of the Mountains" Marching Band gave me so many opportunities. It changed my life, gave me the best friends I've ever had, took me all across the country, and most importantly- gave me the opportunity to change others' lives. Best friends, a girl I love, mountains and cool air, my Alma Mater, and every single memory I have made for the past twenty-two years. I am basically saying goodbye to my entire life thus far. But now I get to walk into the new chapter of my life. And I am walking into it with open arms. I know it won't be easy, I know it's going to challenge me and scare me and choke me sometimes. But I'm okay with that, because nothing that comes easy is ever really worth it. I'm ready to meet the resistance. And I'm ready to trample it. Here I will document my experiences for the beginning of my time in Alabama. I'm so excited, so nervous, and all together overwhelmed. But with the support of my friends and the drive I have from within- I know I'll make it. This is it... Alabama, here I come.