Erase and Rewrite

Well  haven't written in a couple of weeks, but I guess that's because I've gotten on a pretty regular grind and don't have much new to talk about. I have finally settled in at Target, and have gotten the hang of my job. Lots of cool perks to working there, like they all the time have snacks and cool stuff in the breakroom for employees haha. Also, I really enjoy working with the people there, so that's awesome. I'm finally starting to come out of my shell a little bit, and show them the real Jessica. They have this misconception that I am a quiet person and... well, anyone who does know me, knows that is far from accurate! I usually work 25-30 hours a week so that keeps me relatively busy.

When I'm not working, I'm either sleeping or babysitting the boys. Nathan is about a month old now, and I actually quite enjoy babysitting him, when he's not crying or shitting on himself. Babies are cool, and spending time with Nathan makes me think a lot of random things like, how do we develop the ability to just burp on our own, without our mom rubbing our back? What if crying was the only human language? No English or French or Portuguese, just crying... That would not be fun. At all. He pops his big blue eyes open and I think about how pure he is, how innocent. He has such a clean slate and it's awesome. This morning I was holding him and I was thinking- what if I'm holding the next big rockstar? The next Elvis? The next big scientist who is going develop a cure for cancer or discover a new planet? It's so crazy, he could be anyone, anything. But for now he is just a tiny little bundle of burps and coos and cries. So beautiful, though. Last night, when my aunt asked me to babysit this morning, I found myself wanting to cry. I was actually that upset that I wasn't going to get to sleep in before work (I had to be up at 6:30). I was frustrated because I don't really like little kids, especially infants, and I just wanted to sleep after working all day and having to go back to work today. But then I was sitting there and I was like "wow, really Jessica? You're that upset because you have to wake up early in the morning? Is that the only thing you've got to complain about right now? Yeah? Okay, shut up." I had to kick back for a second and reevaluate myself in that moment. I've got a lot of good things happening right now, and a lot to be thankful for. I'm so appreciative of my uncle and his wife for letting me stay with them until I get on my feet. I'm thankful to have a bed and my own room, and food to eat every day. I'm grateful for that job that keeps me up and makes me sleepy. Because I'm making money and getting to save up for that car I've been wanting since I was 16. No, I'm not going to sit around and whine because I had to get up early this morning, because there are worse things. MUCH worse things could be happening to me right now. So I got up, got a cup of coffee and some pancakes, watched a movie, blogged, and then when Nathan woke up, I fed him and now he is back asleep. I have to get over that whole immature 'it's all about me,' mentality. Because, no- it's not.

Jason is seriously adorable when he's not crying like a little.... baby.

BIG NEWS!!!! I have finally begun the healing and moving on process from Madison. I feel like I've said this what, three or four times on my blog now. But I swear- it's true. My friends have very little faith in my abilities to actually follow through this time, which gives me more incentive to do it. What's my motivation that led to this change of heart, you may ask? Well... Last week I was talking to my mom, who has recently moved out of the house with my brother and sister- leaving my step dad. She told me she was preapproved for a loan and was looking to buy a house. My mom,.. the Trailer Park Queen of Dependency and Wrong Men, is going to buy a house. And not only that, but she is divorcing my stepfather. DIVORCE. There's a word I've been waiting to hear since I was 12. If my mom can find the strength, and more importantly the self-worth, to walk away from my stepdad after 12 years of manipulation and heartache- I can walk away from Madison. I can do it. Because I can't be a hypocrite anymore. I can't preach to my mom and my girlfriends about knowing how much you matter, never settling and never letting a guy (or girl) make you feel like you aren't worth the world. Don't keep going back to that plate that's already been picked at and prodded. The meal isn't going to be any better, and you're going to remain disappointed. It's time to order something new off the menu. I made the decision after talking to my mom, to really go through with this. I told Madison that I wasn't doing this anymore. I wasn't going to compete with her ex anymore, because if she wanted to be with me- she would. I wasn't going back and forth anymore, and I wasn't going to keep hoping for something that would never be. I told her all of that... and then I relapsed. That night, we ended up talking and having conversations that never should have happened, because I was supposed to be DONE. On Sunday, she texted me and I responded like normal. Then I got to work, and every time she texted me, my phone would freeze up. I would have to turn it off or take the battery out, then turn it back on. Same thing if I tried to text her. So I took that as a major sign. I was like, alright God... I see ya. He literally took matters into His own hands because He knew that I wasn't able to do it on my own. Clearly. So I stopped texting her, didn't call her, nothing. I took my phone to AT&T yesterday because my phone wouldn't even let me delete her message thread. I had to have my phone completely reset, and as annoying as it was to lose apps and photos, I tried to look at it as a clean slate. That's it, starting over and completely refreshing myself.

I am on a search for self-worth and self-discovery. I need to be able to be completely in love with myself so that someone else can't come along and make me feel this way again. And I need to remember that God is never going to let me down. I never have to compete for His love, and He will always be here. I don't have to change for Him, beg Him for attention, cry over Him every night. Because he's here... and he's not going anywhere. I haven't talked to Madison in 4 days. Sounds petty, but that's a huge deal for me. It hurts, I still cry, I still wonder why the fuck she doesn't care. But it's alright... it's okay. For anyone out there struggling to get over someone, or struggling to hold on to someone that you might want more than they want you- remember this:

As much as you love that person, God loves you even more. As much as you crave the attention and affection from them, God craves you a million times more than that. And you don't even have to do anything for it! He just wants you, and He wants to show you better things. So let go of that person or that thing that's holding you back from truly living and loving yourself. Let God show you the better things. Get rid of the clutter and the old dusty, useless knick knacks to make room for the cool new stuff God is moving into your closet. I love Madison, and I probably always will. But right now she is not what I need. And I am finally content with accepting that.

This morning, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. A beautiful movie with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, it presents the idea of having the ability to completely erase memories from our minds. Which, as cool as it may sound, is something I think we would all regret. I don't want to erase Madison from my memory, because she taught me a lot in my relationship with her. I recently bought a journal so I can write when I feel the urge to talk to her, or when those sad feelings come back. I am not attempting to forget my chapter with Madison or even edit it out. I'm simply moving forward with the next chapter in my book, and rewriting my character a little bit to be able to handle something like this better in the future.

Besides that, nothing new is really going on. I'm on a constant job search for something more full time and long term, keeping my fingers crossed but also trusting that God will move me when it's time. For now, I'm supposed to be at Target and under my uncle's roof, so that's where I'll stay. I am currently trying to find the balance of looking towards and planning for the future, while remembering to live for and embrace the moment and what is going on right now.

All in all, better things are to come. I am blessed, thankful, and determined to find all of the reasons to love myself. Cheers to that.

Wreck This

So I've had a good couple of days and wanted to reflect on them, since the last time I posted I was in a bit of a state of depression and that's never good. I am finally working in Guest Services at Target, and although I can't say I absolutely love it, I am getting the hang of it and it helps to pass the time. The employees there are all super nice and are so willing to help with my learning process, so that's really great. I like the management and whatnot, and am excited about saving money. That being said, I'm really looking forward to finding another job. I got a call on Friday about a position that opened up with the school district I applied and interviewed with right before graduation (a position in a school that is about 20 minutes away from WCU, and I didn't get originally). I was like, okay seriously? Two job opportunities in Western NC within the last week, what the hell is going on? So hopefully I will figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. I think it would be so crazy if I ended up going back to WNC, but if that's where God wants me, that's where I'll be.

I've been getting really involved in church lately and it's awesome. I'm now one of the leaders of the 9th and 10th grade girls' small group in Youth, and am so excited to work with them! They're an incredible, very lively, very 15 year old group of girls. Church today was fun and I went to lunch with some of the younger adults afterwards. They're all super cool, and I've found myself getting really close with Lee, who has kind of taken me in as her BFF and I keep in contact with pretty regularly throughout the week. We ate at a restaurant called Fox's Pizza, but I got a sandwich. We had to wait forever for our food, and when it finally came, my waitress handed me my plate and it hit my cup, knocking my entire Coke into my lap. It was... very cold and very hilarious. At least it got everyone at the table laughing. But I'm starting to feel more comfortable around them, and am able to be more of my outgoing, normal self with them, rather than being all shy and reserved. So lunch was awesome.

Today was such a beautiful day, and Lee and I decided to take advantage of it. We went to this river and sat down by it, intending to read- but we ended up just talking the whole time. Ah, it was such a relief... Having someone here, in person, who I can actually hold a conversation with, is awesome. I feel like we are so similar. We're both the go-to person, the shoulder to lean on, the therapist, the best friend, the person who can never have a bad day or else the rest of the world is off it's axis. But we were able to open up to each other and share our stories and things about our past, things that are hard for me to tell even my closest friends. I told her about Madison, which I was nervous to do since she is so religious and it's hard to tell how people will take certain things. But she was totally cool about it, and had great things to say about my situation. We talked about our search for the right person, trying to figure ourselves out and find love for ourselves to be able to stand alone, before being with anyone else. I'm super excited to have found a cool friend down here who is easy to talk to, passes no judgement, and gives such great advice and wise words on any type of situation. She's a blessing, really.

This evening was Youth Night, so we took the youth to a Mexican restaurant and hung out. It was fun, a really cool opportunity for me to get to know some more of the youth and just chill with them. Elizabeth is one of the girls in the 11 and 12 small group, and I know from a few things she has said while I've been around that she has struggled with self-harm in the past. Today I saw some pretty mean scars on her arms while we were eating. I hope some day we will be able to talk about it and I can share my story with her and I can just earn her trust and hear her story as well. She's really awesome and I'm excited to get to know her.

My Youth ladies!

I'm super stoked because I finally purchased a Wreck This Journal. For anyone who doesn't know, it's a journal that is basically meant to be destroyed. Destruction is another form of creation, and this book brings out your creativity. Each page has instructions on it, for example: "Color this entire page," or "Cover this page using only office supplies," or "spill your coffee on this page." The idea is to completely wreck it, and I am already having so much fun with it. It's a really cool way for me to channel some of my thoughts and energy into something creative and productive, rather than sitting around thinking myself to death.

 It's cool because it's kind of like life in a way. Life's not meant to be all perfect and preserved and going page by page in this boring, normal routine. It's meant to be destroyed and recreated and thrown around and beaten up and drawn on and worn out. Go out there. Redraw your destiny. You're only given one life. Wear it out.

Wreck it. 

Bus Rides and Best Friends: The Wheekend

This weekend I got to go up to school in NC and visit with all of my friends. I don't think I realized how much I needed this trip until I got there and was surrounded by the best people in existence on this planet, the people who make me feel whole and worth something. It was a getaway that I needed and one that made a lot of memories.

The trip started with a 16 hour bus ride on a Greyhound. Complete with layovers, sketchy people, crying babies, spotty wifi, and neck cramps- my first bus trip was one that I will never forget. This was my first time traveling alone, first time by bus, and it was... an experience, to say the least. I met some cool people, met some not so cool people, and didn't get any sleep at all. But I was really proud of myself because I kept up with my stuff and my ticket, got on all of the right buses, and didn't get myself into any trouble. It was quite the learning experience, and although it was entirely too long and I hope to never have to do it again- I value it for what it was. When I got to Cullowhee, all hell broke loose. One of my best friends, Victor, picked me up and I made him take me to Cookout first thing. I destroyed a double burger tray and a milkshake, and we caught up on the hour-drive to school. That night, I stayed at my friends' apartment, also known as the Haus of J. They are the other three J's, which make up our perfect little square: Joel, Jacob and Avery (whose real name is Javan). We stayed up late just talking and I honestly couldn't even believe I was in their presence. It felt like a dream, honestly.

Friday, I was on campus for most of the day. Jacob and I got Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast, and then I went with him to the band office to see the directors (my old bosses). I talked for about an hour with Matt, who was my favorite director and one of my role models. It was so nice to catch up with him. I ate with my best girl, Brandie and FINALLY got to see Kiara. She ran into my arms and I just couldn't believe she was standing in front of me. Katie, who graduate the semester before me, is one of my absolute best girlfriends. She came up for the weekend, too and we all got together and played Apples to Apples. Friday night, she and I went out with Stephen and his boyfriend Kurt for Mexican food and beer. Stephen is my best friend of 12 years... legitimately the best person in my life who has been with me through everything. When his car pulled up to pick me up, they blasted "Never Had a Dream Come True" by S Club 7 and he got out of the car and we just ran into each others' arms. We cried and it was beautiful. Friday night Alyssa finally arrived, and the Dream Team (me, Alyssa and Stephen) was finally reunited. We all went out to a party, which was really whack- but my God, I was just so glad to be back with them.

Saturday, I worked Open House and got to recruit, which I miss so much and was the best part of my job as Staff Coordinator last year. I talked to lots of cool kids and snagged some new members for next year! I ate Japanese food with Jasmin and Jacob at our favorite restaurant. For most of the afternoon, I was with Madison. I hadn't really decided if I wanted to see her or not, but on Friday I was walking around Coulter, saw her in a practice room, and couldn't stop myself from opening the door. We both just stared at each other, then finally hugged. The room got about 400 degrees warmer, I swear. So I decided I wanted to spend time with her on Saturday. We hung out, talked, did a lot of hugging and forcing ourselves not to go further. It was torture, but I swear she is the most beautiful creature on this planet. Saturday night, we had a surprise party for our baby girl, Rachel, who finally turned 21. That's the reason all of us graduates came up this weekend. She cried and we had a blast and it was so nice for all of us to be reunited. We celebrated at her apartment, drank, and had a great time. I stayed the night at Madison's, which I can't decide whether it was a bad decision or not. We didn't do anything, just talked and laid there.

But then Sunday morning came, and everything just... changed. We hugged and literally tortured ourselves. We tested our willpower, touching our lips together and breathing each other in. Finally we couldn't do it anymore, and we kissed. And I knew just by looking at her face, that we shouldn't have done it. It complicates things and makes us both crazy. At that point, we both lost it. Crying so hard and just hugging each other- not wanting to let go. I hated myself in that moment, for making myself vulnerable to her again. But let's face it... we both knew it was going to happen. She's my weakness, my drug. I am addicted to her, and I love her so much it hurts. It's exhausting. So when I left, I didn't know where we stood. Stephen picked me up and I collapsed in his lap. After a last supper with all of my friends at McDonald's, I finally headed back to Asheville and boarded a bus for the trip back.

Coming back was the hardest thing ever. I cried all night on the bus, thinking about the people I love so much, who I had to leave behind. Thinking about Madison, who I love more than my own life, and not knowing what's going to happen with us. I got home and slipped into a depression. I cut myself for the first time in three years. I got in bed, and didn't get up. I woke up this morning feeling like an empty shell, like I was existing but I wasn't alive. I went for a long walk today, and even ran. I ran so hard I thought my heart would beat out of my chest, ran until I couldn't breathe. I tried so hard to clear my head and talk to God, give Him everything. I came home to texts and messages from a few friends, that really uplifted my spirits. Cleaned my room and listened to some good music... Finally got a sense of life back into my veins. The truth is, I'm in love with Madison. And I just want to be able to get over it and move on. I'm weak.. I keep going back and keep getting hurt every time. I just wish we could be together. But sometimes love just isn't enough. I don't know what we'll be.

The lyrics to 'Home,' which plays every time someone opens this blog, are so true. Home really is wherever I am with those amazing people who give me life. They give me purpose, they make me feel complete. Being down here without them is so hard, and I realized that even more after getting to spend time with them this weekend. I'm so lucky to have those people in my life. This weekend was something I really needed, but now I am ready to get back focused on my life here in Alabama. I have work tomorrow, as well as church. I need to just appreciate the weekend for what it was, and look forward to the next trip. Until then- gotta focus on my life right now, right here.

Fast, Fun and Friendly

The last couple of days have been phenomenal, and I wanted to take a minute to reflect on them and get my thoughts down. I've had a great start to the week, and it can only get better with me taking a trip to Cullowhee in two days!

Church Sunday was awesome. The message was great, continuing with the idea of hopelessness and being broken. During communion, each person had a slip of paper and we all got to write down that one thing that is holding us back, that one thing that is keeping us broken. More importantly, the thing that is keeping us from God. I wrote mine down so quickly- that one little word. And threw it in the basket with all of the other folded up slips of paper. The pastor told us they would be taking them outside after the services and burning all of the slips and using the ashes as part of the Ash Wednesday service tomorrow. It was such a relief, putting that piece of paper in there and just giving everything to God. Really refreshing.

Yesterday I started my training at Target. Fun Fact: Every Target employee, down to the janitors, gets trained on a cash register their first day. Every person in the store can run a register. This helps keep up their motto of being "fast, fun and friendly." So yesterday I got trained on the register. It was fun, overall pretty easy, and went by really fast. After work, I got coffee with a girl I met at Youth last week. Her name is Norrell, she was a music major, and is the music director at the church. She's 28 and is really nice, you'd never know she is almost thirty. But we went out for coffee and talked and it was awesome. The coffee was delicious and the company was great. I really enjoyed how easy it was to talk to her and be open about our lives and just discuss random things. It was SO refreshing to get out of the house with someone other than my Gram for a little bit. She told me about her boyfriend and their group of friends, and said I should come with her to Birmingham sometimes, which would be pretty exciting. She said they like to go to bars a lot and she didn't know if that would make me uncomfortable or not. I was like.... Girl, I just got out of college. Bars are my life.

Today at work I did a lot of computer training, which was so boring I almost fell asleep like five times. But I met a really cool guy, who also happens to be extremely good looking. I tested him by getting up to see if he would talk to me first, and he did! Haha it sounds really dumb but I was so excited. He asked me my name and talked to me for a few minutes, it was cool. I'm trying really hard not to be a thirsty trick who looks at every guy she meets and asks herself if he is dating material, though. I need to be focusing on me, myself and I. The rest will come later, when God knows I'm ready for it. I was so excited today, though because I had MORE plans with another girl from church, named Lee. She is awesome and sings in the praise band. Her voice is beautiful. She's 27 but the girls around here must age really well or something, because she doesn't look that old at all. We went out for Mexican, which was delicious. And once again, the conversation was so easy and smooth and not awkward at all! I love people who can keep a conversation going with ease. We had frozen yogurt too, which was delicious. I felt great, just like myself again, which was really refreshing. We talked about what we were giving up for Lent (which starts tomorrow), and I told her I am giving up soda. I think this is going to be good for me on many different levels. I've been wanting to quit drinking sodas anyway, and now I have a reason to. Anytime I'm craving a soda or feeling desperate for one, I'm going to sit down and talk to God. I need to do more of that anyway. Lee said she is going to keep a prayer journal, and I thought that might be a good idea for me too, to see how far I've come over the course of the 40 days. I'm also hoping that it will lend me to just stop drinking sodas all together, which will lead to a healthier lifestyle in general. I'm even considering fasting at some point once I have money to purchase fruits and vegetables. I'm looking into it, at least.

Rain has been drenching our little hole in Alabama for several days now. It's been non-stop thundering and lightning and pouring. Although I'm getting pretty tired of it, I'm looking at it as a sort of metaphor. A symbol of the cleansing I am trying to do in my entire life. I just want to let go of all of the negativity, all of the doubt, all of the stuff from the past that is holding me back. I think I'm doing a really good job of it so far, and the rain is kind of symbolizing that. Out with the bad, and in with the good. Letting go of the things that have done me wrong, and welcoming the new great people and opportunities that are showing up in my life.

Life is moving right along, pretty fast. I'm finally starting to have fun, and so thankful for these friendly new faces that are helping me with this entire experience. So excited!

Just in Time

My Gram invited me to join her today for a Valentine's tea party at her church. I wasn't particularly excited about it, honestly, but I went with her anyway. The place was decorated really fancy with pretty china and lots of red and pink ornaments and glittery stuff. It was so loud with woman chatter- old lady gossip, if you will. But the tea was good and there were cucumber sandwiches and various pastries, so I sat down with her and we drank and ate and I listened to her and the ladies at our table swap stories. 

During the tea, various people stood up in the front on a stage and performed. They sang songs from "the Golden Age." The announcer introduced one of the acts as a 'lovely young couple,' so it was pretty funny when this man and lady, both at least 70, walked up to the stage. The announcer told the audience about how these two had just been engaged and married last year. They sang "Just in Time" from the 1956 musical, Bells are Ringing. They were so adorable... They looked at each other like they were teenagers at spring formal or something. She kept grabbing his hand as she sang and he put his arm around her. They would stop singing and just look at each other and laugh. A woman at our table told us about how both of them had lost their spouses in the past. Yet somehow, they had found each other. I couldn't stop myself from tearing up thinking about how beautiful it was. 

Here I am, barely 22 years old. Just out of college, with no real life experience under my belt. Really only ever been in one relationship, and the past five months barely count because I was clinging on to a halfway relationship with a person who was still way too attached to her ex to notice the girl standing right in front of her. So no real experience, no lengthy several-year relationship to go off of, plenty of time ahead of me... And I can't stop dwelling on this one heartbreak. I can't allow myself the respect and right of getting over it and just moving on. Because it's always easier said than done, right? I had never understood how my girlfriends could keep going back and forth, in and out over and over with the same guy a million times. Some tool who didn't even deserve the first chance they gave him. I thought my friends were idiots, and told myself that I was stronger and smarter than that. Then came Madison- and holy hell did she come through like a tornado. She completely uprooted my trailer park heart, and spun me around a million times until I was too dizzy to see straight and all of my panels were gone. She made it impossible for me to say no, she took me places I had never been. And she provided me with my first broken heart. I never thought I would be one to give my heart away so easily. Never thought I would find myself saying the L word so quickly, to someone who wasn't even technically my girlfriend. But I slipped and fell in her icy embrace, and I never really warmed back up from that. Now I'm five hours away, and we have once again gone our separate ways. And I know that this time it's for good, that there won't be anymore oh maybe this time it'll be right. No- it's just done. And most days I'm okay with it, and sometimes I get so sad that I want to bury myself in the ground and wait to die. Here I sit, wallowing in my own self-pity, hating myself for giving myself away so easily, and accepting that there is just no hope for me and I will never find love. 

What the HELL is wrong with me? I'm an idiot, that's what's wrong. Seeing people like this beautiful couple, who have loved and lost, have suffered and rejoiced, and been in love time and time again- seeing them find each other at such an old age.. is so beautiful. Love knows no age, it knows no race or religion or gender. It simply is. And it IS patient, and it IS kind. I heard about this blogger named Mandy, who is widely known as The Single Woman. She blogs and tweets some pretty inspirational stuff, and I recently ordered her book on my kindle. I just finished it in one sitting. Her words were so witty, so funny, so smart, and so TRUE, that I couldn't put the book down. This book is all about letting go and moving on and knowing how truly fabulous you are. The idea is that we should never keep a person, job, opportunity, or feeling in our lives that isn't doing us good. People and things come and go. They teach us lessons, they shape who we are. And not every person is meant to be in your life forever. Here is an awesome quote from her book that stuck with me: 

"The truth is, friends and lovers and opportunities will come into our lives and, in some cases, shake us to our very core along the way... However, not all are meant to stay." 

I read that over and over again, so many times and repeated it in my head. I think that people come into our lives for a reason. As Frank Ocean says, they're either a blessing or a lesson. Either way, sometimes the only thing we can do is truly let go of a situation or a relationship or person that isn't doing anything to help us further ourselves along. 

I'm twenty-freaking-two years old. I've got so much time left to find love and meet people and do all of that sappy future wedding marriage stuff. Right now, I want to focus on being the absolute best Jessica that I can be. So that when someone does come along, they simply cannot resist me. I want to put my effort into focusing on right now and cultivating my future, not dwelling on things that happened in the past. There are people out there who have it much worse than I do, who have experienced worst relationships than I have. I need to stop being so damn selfish and whiny, and get the hell over it. It's time to let go and move on- for real. Not pretend I'm going to and find myself sulking in the shower the next day. 

I'm so thankful for these random things that have been happening lately to help me open my eyes to reality. I'm growing up and learning so much, and it's awesome. I'm thankful to have found a good church, with people my age who actually text me and make plans! I'm thankful to have a new job and being able to get started on that. I'm focusing on right now, all of these great new opportunities that are arising for me. God is speaking to me, and I can't ignore Him. 

"You will never find your future in the rear-view mirror." 

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The Great Perhaps

Tonight is one of those nights where I start to think too much for my own good. But I think maybe it didn't turn out to be such a bad thing. I'm the worst overthinker in the world... I think we all become guilty of it. We get lost in our thoughts, we literally let them consume us to the point where they can drive us mad. We overanalyze, we create scenarios in our head, we replay mistakes and bad moments from the past over and over again. It's the worst human trait, if you ask me. It can literally drive people over the edge.

Today I found myself lost in thought and I was tired of it. You know how you start thinking about something, something that hurts you, and it can literally make your body hurt? That happened to me today, as it has been happening a lot. You get so weighed down with thoughts about something that it becomes more than just a mental thing. It becomes physically exhausting. For me, my back gets really tense and the muscles in my shoulder tighten up. I'm so physically uncomfortable that I just want to cry. It sucks when someone or something has the power to make you feel like that. But anyway, I was getting really tired of it. So I decided to do some meditating. I put on some soft music and laid down in the dark, sprawled out on the bed with my eyes closed. I tried to remain as loose and relaxed as possible, and focused on breathing in and out. At first, my thoughts were consuming me. But as I focused on my breathing, I began to find my center. My limbs got looser, my back started to loosen up, and the thoughts slowed down in my head. I did some talking to God, calling out to him. I cried some. And then I just kept breathing in and out slowly, until I fell asleep. When I woke up, I felt refreshed and devoured some pizza. But I guess really the important thing I got from this afternoon is just the value of personal time, and personal meditation. Letting everything go and dropping all of the social media, technology, people, for a little bit and just getting back to your center.

When I left my Gram's house to go back to my house tonight, I walked outside and noticed that the sky was so perfectly clear. There were stars everywhere, dusting the sky so perfectly. I went out on the deck and sat on the railing, staring up at the sky. I felt so tiny in that moment, one of those times where you realize just how tiny you really are in the grand scheme of things. But then I got to talking to God and just thinking to myself, staring at the stars, and I thought about John Green's book, Looking for Alaska. In the book, Pudge talks about some famous person's last words: "I go to seek the Great Perhaps." I started thinking about what exactly that means. Yes, in the grand scheme of the universe- I'm tiny. A speck. Not even. But here, in this world, in this country and down to the point of this state, this town- I can be something. I just want to be great. I want to change lives, I want to influence other tiny meaningless specks. As many as I can, actually. I made the decision that I'm going to go out and seek the Great Perhaps. Doesn't that sound fascinating? The realm of everything that could be, the giant scope of every single what-if. I want to do that. I want to ask questions, and see things and go places and meet people and touch them. I want to learn new things and develop new hobbies and get better at my old ones and be the best person I can be for my short time in the grand scheme. I want to let go of things I can't change, say goodbye to people who don't help me achieve what I want. I can't keep holding onto the past. I can't hold grudges, can't be mean. But at the same time, I can't keep excusing actions that aren't bettering me. I can't hold onto things that I wish were. I can only accept what is, and decide what will be.

Those stars were so beautiful tonight. The cold night air on my skin, I felt relaxed. I lifted my hands and gave everything to the higher being and said please... I give myself away. Use me. Take me. Mold me. I'm going to search out that Great Perhaps. In every sense possible.

Here's to being a speck.

Loves Like a Hurricane

It's a typical Wednesday night: sitting in my room listening to music, just got done watching American Idol. But it's not really a normal Wednesday because I actually had something to do, and it's also my last night of unemployment and lameness (well, maybe not so much the lame part, but we're working on it).

I'm super excited because I got a call from Target yesterday, confirming that I FINALLY start job orientation there tomorrow at 3. All I can say is, thank goodness. Because I was seriously starting to get frustrated and antsy. But she called and told me I start tomorrow, so I'm super thankful and ready to get started. Gram and I went into town yesterday afternoon so I could start looking for red shirts and khaki pants. Since I don't have much money right now, I got a couple shirts from the thrift store (and a sweater I just couldn't resist buying), and bought some khakis from Ross. It's a start, and I'll be able to buy more once I have more money. I'm really going into this job with a positive outlook. At the very least, it is an opportunity to save up some money and get started on paying fora car. Hopefully some cool coworkers and friendships will come out of it. That would be a nice plus. And I'll continue to search for something more permanent and substantial. So excited for my first day, though!

Tonight I went back to the Methodist church. One of the girls I met on Sunday, Lee, has been texting me some throughout the week and invited me to help her with the youth tonight. Well I got there, and she was running late, so I had to call Woods and ask him to help me find out where I was supposed to be going. I got up to the youth room and it was slightly awkward because I hadn't met any of the kids yet, and I was just the random stranger sitting there while everyone else has known each other since they were in diapers at Sunday School. However, a girl invited me to sit at a table with her, and she is a couple of years older than me. Her name is Norrel, and she was super nice. I found out that she was a Music Ed major, which is awesome because all of my friends from school are. And she is the music director at the church. She was so nice and gave me her number, insisting that we get together for lunch sometime next week. I'm telling you, Prattville has some nice freaking people in it. We ate pizza and had drinks, then sang a couple of worship songs and watched a brief video. Then the kids break up into their small groups, where a leader talks with them about the message and they just chat and things like that. Lee still wasn't there, but Molly, an older lady with two teenage kids, invited me to come with her to Lee's group. She and Lee lead the female 11th and 12th grade group. There were four girls in there tonight, and they were all nice. Rachel and Hannah are both blonde, and girls that if I were in high school, I would have hated... Because, ya know, we make judgments about people before we know them. Elizabeth wore her hair curly today, and I told her I liked her hair. She said it was the first time she'd ever worn it curly, and someone at school told her she looked like a wet dog... I didn't really know what to say to that. Eliza doesn't talk. She sat in the corner with her oversized sweater and giant bun on the top of her head, and ate her pizza silently. She intrigued me the most, of course.

The message was about cruel temptations. In other words: the fact that it is so easy for people to be mean and judgmental towards others. We discussed why people are so cruel, why we pick on each other, etc. The girls were slow to talk at first, but I initiated the discussion and just jumped in there. I quickly realized that Hannah and Rachel are not as annoying blonde as they seemed. They are both going to Auburn University in the Fall, both make great grades, and are both totally immersed in the Lord. It was awesome. I also found out that last year, Elizabeth struggled with self-harm and was hospitalized for it. That really struck me, because it's something I have dealt with in the past and will always have a place in my heart. I hope that once I start going and being around them more, I'll be able to talk with Elizabeth about that. We discussed how, as girls, it is so easy for us to hate on other women because we are constantly insecure about ourselves. We use it as a coping mechanism, but at the end of the day- we still go home hating ourselves. These girls were really smart and had a lot of good things to say. And I think they valued what I had to say, almost like a big sister. I thought it was crazy that this was the message tonight, because I was just talking with my friend Brandie the other day about how we never know what someone else is going through. We made a pact a couple of nights ago to really try not to talk about people and hate on them, especially for things like their outward appearance. I shared this story with the girls and they seemed to really enjoy it.

Overall, I had a great time getting to know these girls and am very excited to keep working with them. As I was watching American Idol tonight, Norrel texted me and asked me about my experience. She sent me a picture of herself when she was drum major at AUM, and it was hilarious. She also reminded me to text her my schedule so that we can make plans for lunch, and wished me luck for my first day. It's incredible how nice some people are. It's inspiring and gives me a desire to be even nicer than I already try to be. It really is true, that if we treat people the way we want to be treated- the world could be such a better place. I'm going to work on that, and share this experience with Brandie. God is really speaking to me right now, and it's awesome.

In a week, I'll be packing my stuff and getting ready for the 16 hour bus ride to Cullowhee. I'm so stoked to get up there and see my people again. But for now, I'm trying to just focus on where I am here and now. Can't hold myself back. Gotta be fierce and go after life and live in the moment. Because it's happening, with or without me.

Click this link:
How He Loves; David Crowder Band

God Moves, Yeah.

So today has been great so far (granted it's only 3 PM, but I don't see much happening to change the fact that it's been a great day). I got up this morning and got ready for church, had to leave way early because my grandparents' service at the Presbyterian church starts at 10:45. So we got there around 10:30, and I walked towards the Methodist church and called my friend Daniel to waste some time. I admit, I was super nervous. Going someplace by yourself when you're used to always being with people, is scary- even church. But I walked in and recognized the pastor, Woods, who I spoke to on the phone from the picture on their website. I was really excited because he remembered my name and our conversation, and introduced me to one of the other pastors and his wife. They were all three very nice and glad to have me. I sat by myself at the end of the row, and when the pastor encouraged us to get up and greet someone, I did. This lady named Krista talked to me for a few minutes. She had a son and she was so sweet. Talking to her helped to calm my nerves and get settled in for the service.

Best thing about Prattville First Methodist Church: the praise band. This band was phenomenal. There was a guitar player, who also sang, a bass player who didn't sing a word, a drummer, two female vocalists, and the younger pastor played keyboard. They all sang so well and the song choices were great. I let myself open up and sing and just be immersed in the music. Second best thing about this church: the speakers. They are all amazing! The three pastors rotate preaching each week. This week, it was Rob who preached. I was stoked because the message was about hope, and finding it when you are feeling completely hopeless. The message, I swear... I was meant to find this church today. It was absolutely everything that I needed to hear. And something that I feel the need to share with a friend who is going through a really hard time. I have been starting to get very discouraged here in Alabama, with finding a good job and making friends. I've been super homesick for my friends and their presence. I have been struggling every day with getting over my past relationship and moving on from it. I've gotten stuck in this hum drum of going through the same basic motions every day. Granted, things could be MUCH worse. And I am thankful for the opportunity to be down here. But the message that Rob spoke today really touched me. He talked about how when you're absolutely completely helpless, that is the best spot to be in. Because it is then that we go to the Lord, that we actually pray. Prayer is never our first solution, or our tenth one. It's always the last resort. So when we become completely desperate, that is when we turn to God. I felt Rob's message. I needed to hear it.

I know God was speaking to me all through that service. His final words came to me at the end of the service, when we sang the final praise song. The song was "Give Me Faith," by Elevation Worship. Just any old worship song, right? Well, not for me. Back when I was a junior in college, I reached a breaking point. I was tired and exhausted and completely broken from life. It is also around that time that I got offered to work as a counselor for SummerShine Resort Ministry over the summer. I went to the orientation weekend completely worn out and tired of existing. But that retreat restored me. I was surrounded by people on fire for God and spreading love and fun and His word. Give Me Faith was one of the songs that the praise band played. I had never heard it before, but I swear that song spoke to me. It is the song that got through to me. And in that moment, when the song played and we were all singing at the top of our lungs, I broke down and let everything go. I gave it all to God and begged Him to use me over that summer to change peoples' lives That song has always been important to me since that moment. And when the band started playing it and those lyrics came up on the screen, I knew. I knew God was telling me that I had found something good. Once again, I have come to Him- worn out and tired. But I know that He will restore me. I gave Him everything this morning, lifting up prayer concerns for myself and for my friend. Asking Him to use me and mold me. It was awesome. Seriously a great moment for me.

After the service, several girls came up to me and talked to me. I met Allison, who is married and has two young children. She came right up to me to introduce herself, which was seriously awesome. Then Pastor Rob's wife, Chrystal, introduced me to Leigh and Brianna. Leigh was one of the vocalists in the praise band, and Brianna is Woods's fiance. They talked to me and were so excited to meet me. And I was obviously stoked to meet people my age... Cool people my age. I also met the guitar player, Josh. They invited me to stay and eat a soup lunch with them, and I did. They were all so nice and cool. I exchanged numbers with Allison and Leigh. Josh and Leigh told me about the hookah bar that they like to go to, and invited me to come the next time they go. I also got invited to the women's bible study that Leigh hosts at her house every Thursday, so I'm really excited about that. Basically these people seem like exactly the kind of friends I am looking for. Cool, hipster Christians with lives and positive outlooks, that have a good time but are good people. Leigh texted me within an hour of me leaving, telling me how excited she was that I was here. THIS IS A BLESSING, PEOPLE. It's so nice to actually have talked to people who know what it's like to be a 22 year old kid/adult/thing.

Needless to say, I am feeling great right now. I'm super excited to possibly hang out with someone this week, start my job (hopefully), and get to know these people. I'm proud of myself for going in there by myself and not being super shy. I'm confident that this was a big step in the right direction, and that God has an amazing plan for me. So excited to see what that plan is!!!!!

New Additions and Interesting Turns

It's been a while since I have posted, but that's really only because there hasn't been much to talk about. I have been in Alabama for almost a month and am still enjoying my time here, although things were moving kind of slowly for the last couple of weeks. A few things have picked up and changed though, so here are the updates.

I went to the Youth Department this week and inquired about applying. I took a tour of the facilities and turned in my application. Now I should receive something in the mail soon about the written exam date and location. From there I will take the exam and then they will have to score it, and they pick their employees from there. Basically this process will probably take several weeks. I FINALLY got in touch with Target, and they told me that I am supposed to start my orientation on the 7th. They were being so sketchy for a while, and I really hope that they pull through with the job offer, because I am getting very antsy at home and am dying for some real human interaction! Hopefully they follow through and I will start in a little less than a week with my orientation. Let's keep our fingers crossed.


The weather has been crazy temperamental this week. We had some amazing weather, so warm to the point where I was wearing shorts and reading outside. Then we had a day of monsooning, where it just rained and the wind howled all day. A tree fell right outside of my Gram's house, literally inches from the front door. That was pretty scary. Now it is beautiful outside, but chilly. I'm trying not to complain too much when it's a little cold, because I know come summer- it's going to be practically unbearable! But I've really come to appreciate Alabama nights, when it's not too cold. The sky is clear and you can see stars, and it's warm with a slight breeze. Just feels really good and it's almost like you can hear God talking to you if you listen closely. I love it. 

Last night, my aunt had her baby. So I now have a new nine pound cousin named Nathan. We went to the hospital today for a visit and I got to hold him. Gosh, he is so beautiful and so tiny. I actually started tearing up as I held him. It's so crazy to think about new life, and how we all started as infants who knew nothing about the world. It was definitely a good moment for me. I can't wait to love all over him. Afterwards we went to a Chinese restaurant and I destroyed the buffet, went with my Gram to get her hair cut and random stuff like that. I'm pretty tired now from all of the running around, but I am always thankful for any opportunity to get out of the house. Kathy is coming home tomorrow with the baby and hopefully things will settle back into (somewhat) normal-ness. Welcome to the family, Nathan!

I have been doing research on churches in the area and stumbled upon the Methodist church, which is conveniently located across from the Presbyterian church my grandparents attend. This street is apparently known as 'Church Row' and has all kinds of churches in one little are. I did some research online on the Methodist church, because my friend Jacob advised me to stay away from the Southern Baptist types if I can help it. I found out that the Methodist church has a contemporary service at the same time as my Gram's church's service. I called their office today and spoke to one of the pastors, and he told me a little bit about the service and asked me what I was looking for. It was nice, I found out that he is 24 and he assured me that their service is geared towards people our age and is very progressive. I'm definitely going to check out the service on Sunday and see what it's like. Some of my friends have kind of laughed at me for considering church as an option for meeting people. But I had a conversation with one of my good friends, Kayla, a couple of nights ago. She lives in LA and has for almost two years now. I asked her how she did it, how she moved somewhere completely new and managed to meet people and make friends on her own. She told me that she met her close group of friends through church, because the guy she had a crush on invited her to join him one Sunday. She went for the wrong reasons, but it ended up being a blessing for her. She said that she would've already fled LA and run back home if it hadn't been for the new friends she made and has gotten close with, and she is getting baptized this weekend! So I am definitely feeling confident with my decision to find a good church around here. I don't see how doing that could end badly. Hopefully the Methodist church turns out to be something I enjoy, and if not- I will venture out to other churches!

I'm missing my friends a lot, but am very excited because I bought a bus ticket to Cullowhee for two weeks from now. My friend is throwing a surprise birthday party for his girlfriend. She is turning 21 and she is our baby, she's been there for all of our 21st birthdays. I'm so excited to go up and surprise her and get to see everyone that I miss so much. It will definitely be refreshing. Day by day, I find myself getting over Madison. Some moments are really hard, but moments are better than full days. I'm making progress and we are on speaking terms.

I'm excited for Nathan to come home, to check out this church, and to start working- all within the next week. Come on, Alabama! HIT ME WITH SOMETHING.

Patiently Waiting

Well I have hit a bit of a snag in all of the progression that was happening over the last couple of weeks. Unfortunately, the people of Target are not being very professional. I thought I was going to be starting my orientation this week, but they have not called me. I was supposed to hear something on Wednesday around three, still haven't heard anything. I've called, left messages, everything short of stomping my happy ass in there and demanding a schedule. I'm not really sure what's going on with them, but I'm wondering if this is a sign that I am supposed to be somewhere else. I really don't know what I am supposed to be doing, but I am still applying to other places and keeping my options open. If I don't have anything set in stone with Target by the beginning of the week, I will be going to the Autuaga campus of the Department of Youth Services to apply for a position as a Youth Aide.

I'm just really getting to that point where I am so ready to get to the next step. I don't want to wish time away or anything, but I keep thinking about a car and having my own place and being able to visit my friends- all of which require money. I want to be able to go wherever I want to, to go sit in a park with a book and a sandwich, to be able to pick up a cup of coffee and do some window shopping, to be able to explore a different church every Sunday. I am desperate for that freedom, and in order to get it- I need a car. And in order to get a car, I need money. I want to be able to go out to bars or a gym and start meeting people. I want that option.

But I have had the opportunity to spend some time with my Gram, which I am always thankful for. Yesterday she took me to the library so that I could get my hands on some books to keep me occupied. I picked up Looking for Alaska and Paper Towns by John Green, as well as a few others. I'm about halfway through Looking for Alaska, and it is phenomenal. We also went out for some lunch at Wendy's and she showed me a really cool store that is almost like an indoor yardsale. It was awesome, and gave lots of ideas for things I want when I have apartment. I also went to this really sketch place called, 'Beauty Supply' to look for some hair products. But the girl with the bright red weave was very helpful, and I tested the products she suggested me out today. They worked great haha. I also had dinner with Gram last night and we watched a movie on TBS. I'm so thankful for that time I get to spend with her, although she isn't a 22 year-old bombshell anymore, she is still the most amazing woman I know.

I'm trying to keep positive and remember that things will pan out the way they are supposed to. I'm just ready for that to happen!!!

Presbyterian Churches

I have been going to a Presbyterian church since I was born. I was born, baptized and raised by the congregation at Quaker Meadows Presbyterian Church, rumored to be the first church built in North Carolina. For over half of my life, I lived in the big white manse right beside the church. I spent summers riding my bike in the big church parking lot. We had a small church family, that extended out and every August the pews were full for Homecoming. Every person in the church knew me and my sisters, accompanied every Sunday by our Gram and Granddad. We attended all events (ham and chicken pie suppers, car washes, annual yardsales, etc.), sang in the choir, and made up half the youth group. I made a lot of memories being a member of that church. When I left for college, I never found another church to go to. No place I went ever seemed quite right, I guess because I always had Quaker Meadows in my heart. When I would visit home, I would sometimes go to church with my Gram. But there were new people there, and they looked at me like I was the visitor. Like I hadn't walked around that place barefoot and in diapers before. When my grandparents moved to Alabama, my sisters stopped going to church there because my mom would never take them. Now that place is simply a memory, of seventeen years or so of my life.

Today, I went to church in Alabama with my grandparents. My Granddad has been bugging me about it, and I knew my Gram would enjoy it. And let me be honest, I probably could use a little bit of salvation right about now. Some spiritual healing, if you will. Closure and a clear head. So I got up this morning and got myself ready, wore the new top and earrings I just bought at Kohl's yesterday. I was feeling pretty good about the idea. I thought, if nothing else, maybe I will finally meet someone my age that I can actually talk to. So I went. I've been to a couple of Presbyterian churches at this point, and I have come to the conclusion that most (if not all) of them are pretty much the same. The following criteria can be found at most Presbyterian churches:

• Long, cushioned pews. They usually have a couple of pillow-like extra cushions on each pew for old ladies with bad backs. 
• Stained glass windows. They're pretty to look at, I guess. 
• An area at the front of the sanctuary with rows in the back for the choir. A couple of big chairs on either side for the pastor and/or choir director. Pulpit in the front. Preacher doesn't move from there. 
• Old-ish men handing out bulletins when you walk in the door. 
• Bulletins with announcements on the back. The pastor will inevitably read all of these announcements off, even though almost everyone in the church who cares about the announcements can probably read. 
• Call To Worship- where the pastor reads of a line, and then the congregation reads off the next line (usually bolded for clarity) in a very slow, monotonous unison. 
• Old people. Everywhere. The members of the church have been there for ages. Decades, literally. The young adults in the congregation, are the children of the old people who have been there for ages. And they have kids, too. But as far as cool, quirky young people who just get excited for Jesus- nah. None of that here. Old people. I'm talking seventies and eighties. And older. 
• Soft music being played on the piano while everyone is coming in, sitting in the same seat they have been sitting in for 30 years, and discussing their weeks with the people they like. 
• Gossip. Presbyterian women LOVE their gossip. They will mouth things to each other and mumble under their breath to their husbands while the choir and pastor are coming out to the pulpit. They gossip about everything, from who isn't there today to what they made for dinner last night to how so and so is gaining weight. Everything, trust me. 
• Stoicism. Once the preacher starts talking, everyone sits up straight and stares straight ahead (apart from the ones still gossiping). They clutch their bulletins in their hands and await the daily procedure of announcements, call to worship, song from the choir, prayer, song from the congregation, prayer, hymn, etc. etc. 
• Children's time. Always, some oldish man or lady with a piece of paper crumpled in their hand, will ask all of the children to come to the front of the church. That man or woman will then go through their poorly last-minute prepared diddy about how sharing is caring or how to show love. The kids won't pay attention. They'll wave to their mom and dad, pick at the bows on their dress, mess with the kid beside them, and count down the long seconds until they are finally dismissed to go downstairs for Children's Church and get away from the boring stuff. 
• Hymnals. Presbyterians must not believe in the power of today's contemporary Christian music. Because you won't see any of that here, unless there is some young soul who feels brave enough to ask to perform a Chris Tomlin song for Homecoming or something. Otherwise, you'll stick to the dusty red hymnals, whose pages are turning yellow. Every Sunday, you'll sing the same basic hymns like "To God be the Glory," and "All Things Bright and Beautiful." The piano player will probably miss half of the notes, and play in her own time signature. But nobody in the church will really notice, and if they do- they'll just keep on singing. They know how the melody is supposed to go anyway. 
• Getting out by noon. One thing you can always look forward to in Presbyterian church, is that no matter how boring the pastor's sermon is, you will almost always get out by noon. Presbyterians love and cherish their Sunday dinners and lazy afternoons. Don't worry. Twelve o'clock will be here soon. 
• Covered dishes. My God, Presbyterians will use anything as an excuse to have a covered dish. It's almost a competition to see who can make the best deviled eggs. Because there will always- ALWAYS- be at least 6 trays of deviled eggs. My sisters and I always appreciated this quality. Good lunch at least two Sundays out of the month. Too many desserts to choose from. Always walking home with a to-go plate for dinner later. 

This church, I can tell, is not one for me. I didn't feel God or his spirit in that place. All I felt was a bunch of judgmental, old-fashioned people, who couldn't stop staring at me. Because you KNOW I was the only person of color in the congregation. People who don't really talk to you if you're new to the place. Their smiles are half-hearted, and really they just want to know who you are and what you're doing there. When the preacher was talking about abortion in the first five minutes of speaking, I knew it was time to get out of there. I'm going to have to do my own research and find a church that I am interested in going to. Because I really do want to find a cool place that I can go and meet people, and most importantly have that spiritual release. But the First Presbyterian Church of Prattville, Alabama is just... not that place for me. I think it might be time to venture out into other denominations (not that they've ever really mattered to me anyway). I want to find the Christians who believe in God and his love, but who also believe in loving everyone as they are- rather than shoving scripture down someone's throat. The kind of people who want to be the best that they can, but they aren't worried about what their neighbor is doing. The kind of people with genuine smiles, who welcome you to their place of worship and make you want to be there. With a pastor who excites you and makes you think and consider your life. That's what I'm looking for. Hopefully, snuggled deep down in the Bible Belt South, I can find that. 

First Breakdown.

Well I had my first breakdown yesterday, and I have to say I think it came out of nowhere. It was weird because I have been in such a great mood lately. But I do have Bipolar Disorder, and unfortunately, that means that sometimes my mood is completely out of my hands. We were having a birthday party for my cousin Caroline, who is 13 today. Kathy's parents came and my grandparents were here as well. We had pizza and soda and everyone was in a good mood. But everything was getting on my nerves. I have this weird thing about me, which makes everyday sounds amplify in my head and drive me insane. For example: breathing, snoring, chewing, slurping, tapping pens, ticking clocks, popping gum. Those things are the worst. Well my granddad happens to be the loudest chewer in history. And I swear it was driving me crazy. My cousin Maddie was slurping her coke out of the bottle cap and I seriously thought I was going to punch her in the face. I wish that I didn't have this stupid quirk (my sister found out it is a legit condition called Misophonia- which has no cure). Because it makes me insane. And simple sounds can drive me to the point of tears, where I am so anxious and so uncomfortable. Also every time someone spoke I just got annoyed. I don't know what was happening to me, but I feel like I was just overwhelmed. I'm having to readjust to being around a 'family' again, and not being on my own. I'm not used to being surrounded by anyone other than college kids my age. And I think it's taking a toll on me. I had to leave the table and went into my room, laid down on the bed and cried for a few minutes. I wanted to text someone, but my friends are slowly starting to text me less and less. I know they are busy living their lives and being happy and excited about the new year and semester. So I didn't text anyone and I laid there and cried. I missed them lighting the candles and singing happy birthday. I dried my eyes and decided I needed to suck it up and eat some cake and ice cream. Once I was done I walked over to my Gram's and I started to really feel better. I hate my disorder, it makes me crazy. And it always puts me in a bad mood at the worst times. Today, I am working on not being pissed at Madison. It's not really working, but I vented on Tumblr and got everything out, so now I just really need to move on. I want to remain in that state where I'm like 'fuck you, I'm brilliant. See ya never.' I don't want to cry over her, or be mad about it or anything. I just want to let it go and FORGET. Move on. She fucked me up. But I gotta keep it moving.

Yesterday I took my drug test for this job at Target. I am sincerely praying that I passed the test. It's been about two weeks since I last smoked, for my birthday. And I drank a lot of water and am hoping for the best. Having to explain that one to my family would just... not be good. So please, let us all say a prayer that I passed my drug test and can start working soon. So ready to get my life started here! I don't want to be lonely and bitter and sad. I want to be happy and excited!!!!!!!!!!

Falling Into Place.

Things are beginning to do so, and quite nicely. That's such a good and secure feeling. I had my second interview at Target today, this time in person. I nailed it! They loved me and offered me a job in Guest Services. So I'm stoked because I don't even have to go right into being a cashier. For now, I just have to pass a drug test tomorrow and wait for them to get my results back, and then it's smooth sailing into orientation. I honestly cannot wait, and I am just so happy! Today has been a great day. I got to hang out with my Gram and we made brownies and frozen pizzas and I watched American Idol and I got this job and I relaxed, and I smiled a lot. Some good things happened for my friends back at school as well, and we are all just really blessed right now. I was talking to a friend today, and telling him about how happy I am that I made this decision. I was so nervous about moving down here, whether or not it was the right decision or not. But I have complete confidence that I have done myself a very good deed by stepping out of my comfort zone and taking such a huge step. I truly hope that this job with Target works out so that I can venture out and start meeting people and getting out of the house. Kathy is going to have her baby any day now! She had some pre-contractions today and gave us all a pretty big scare. So the new baby will be here before we know it- and I couldn't be happier that I will have a job to get me away from the madness for a while. I'm just really happy with the direction my life is moving in- finally getting somewhere. I'm proud of myself for making this decision and can't wait to see what happens within the next week or so!

Today is Where Your Book Begins

....The rest is still unwritten.

AH! I love that song, and it has really been speaking to me the last couple of days. Natasha Bedingfield really couldn't have said it any better. It's all about today, living in the now and forgetting about the past (the bad stuff, at least. Of course it's okay to remember the good things). I am in such a good mood. I feel like a brand new person and I think it has a lot to do with some of the decisions I made yesterday. I'm so glad I got my feelings down because it gave me some clear insight into what my next few steps should be. And I can honestly say that I made the right choices. And hey, that's a good feeling!

First, I cranked up my Girl Power playlist on Spotify and found some inner strength. Then I broke things off with the girl who has been stringing me along for months now. I don't regret what we had, or giving her ten chances. I learned a lot from my relationship with her. She was my first love, and my first heartbreak. And damn, heartbreak hurts like a mug. But I am pretty regretful of how I allowed her to make me feel about myself. I felt worthless without her. I let the bad feelings slide because when she made me feel good, damn she made me feel good. My confidence and my happiness depended on her- and that is never okay. I have been seeing a lot of good stuff through my Tumblr lately that has spoken to me. A quote that I saw this morning says,

 "Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you are in trouble. Because that reason can be taken from you." 

Isn't that so true?! I mean, can't we just be happy because we woke up this morning? Because it's whatever kind of weather it is outside? Because we have coffee, or good books, or great music, or cute earrings, or cool family, or sweet text messages? I guess at the end of the day, those are reasons too. But they're simple. We're alive and we have the power to do anything- and I intend to do some great things. So I let her go. And I don't think she expected it. I think she assumed that I was going to let her keep messing with my head and come around when it was convenient for her, because that's how it's always been. Well not anymore, boo! And I have to tell you how great it felt when I sent that text message that said, "Goodbye, Madison." I set my phone down and danced around like crazyyy, just knowing that i had finally found that strength in myself. It's a monumental moment!! And even better, I sent a text message to my friends letting them know my decision- and they are all so very supportive. They've known for a while that this was the decision I should have made a long time ago. But they always stuck by my side and were there to let me cry in their laps. And now, no more crying. Only rejoicing! Because Jessica is back, and not only is she back- she is going to be better than ever. SEE YA NEVER, TRICK.

I also made my 'Good Things' jar, which I am very excited about. Doing crafts always helps me to get my mind off of things, and I just love making stuff. So I spent a good hour decorating this jar and doing a few other crafty things. And I've already put two things in my jar! I plan to continue throughout the year, filling the jar with little and big good things that happen to me. I was thinking about keeping a scrapbook of my first year here, as well. Something to think about. But seeing the jar sitting on my dresser just makes me really excited because I intend for it to be full at the end of of the year. And I can't wait to look back and reflect!

My second interview at Target was rescheduled for Wednesday afternoon. Kind of a bummer because I am READYYY to get a job, but I can wait two more days, I guess. I spent most of the morning babysitting my cousin while my uncle and his wife went to the doctor (she is pregnant, about to pop any day now). The girls are coming back from their mom's today and will be here for the week. Not sure yet whether I am ready for that or not- Maddie is quite the talker. But I've missed them and it'll be good to have someone besides me and Jason in the house. Plus they'll be at school for most of the day anyways.

I'm excited to see what happens this week, and crossing my fingers for this job. I'm so ready to meet people! I have the most terrible spending habits of anyone I know. Growing up poor, when I finally had some money in my hands- I couldn't wait to spend it. And that has stuck with me. I find that I literally waste my money away on things like food, alcohol, random outings and shopping trips, etc. And before I know it, I'm broke again. As soon as I have my job, I am going to keep a lock box at my Gram's house. All of my paychecks will go into that box and she will keep watch over it. Unlike my mother, my Gram can be trusted not to take money from me. So I'm hoping that within just a couple of months, I will have my own car. And I hope this will teach me a real lesson about saving and focusing on what's important. I have a little over $300 in my bank account now, and I plan to keep that there to use as my spending money, phone bill money, etc. But right now I don't even need spending money because I have no friends or social life... Yeah, that has GOT to change. And quickly!

Below is a photo of my Good Things jar. I can't wait to fill it up!!! 

Today is where your book begins. Make it a good introduction!!!! 

Good Things

Today I'd like to focus on the reasons I have to be happy and what I'm going to do to enjoy my life right now. Enough feeling sorry for myself and wasting my time on people who don't deserve my efforts. It's a new year and I'm in a new place and it's time to say fuck the rest and be awesome.

Good things, reasons to be happy: 

• Jacob. 
• Jasmin.
• Joel.
• Avery.
• Daniel.
• Kiara.
• Brandie.
• Stephen.
• Alyssa. 
• Awesome family members who have helped me out so much at the start of this year. Aunt Sharon for letting me stay with her when my mom went psycho, Uncle Bobby and Kathy for letting me move in with them in Alabama until I get on my feet. Hannah for being awesome and Skyping with me for 3 hours, even though she doesn't realize she's helping me keep my mind off of the things eating away at me. Gram for literally ALWAYS being there to support me, take me places, and give me wisdom. I am so blessed to be living next to her again, as that has always been such a big part of my life. I have come to realize that my mom has really kept me from my other family for most of my life, and I didn't even understand how willing they are to help me. I am so grateful for the opportunities that have presented themselves and for having loving extended family that is here to help me. 
• I graduated! Going to college was always on my list of things to do. From the time that I was old enough to understand what college was. Since I was seven years old, college meant escape, freedom, becoming better, having more, and getting away from my small town and my house. It meant getting to be whoever I wanted to be, learn as much as I wanted. When I walked across that stage in December, it was seriously an out-of-body experience. I couldn't believe that I had actually come so far as to graduate. It was crazy. For that reason alone, I should be so proud of myself. Two degrees over here. Come on. 
• I MADE A CHANGE. I, Jessica- who is terrified of change once she gets comfortable- packed my stuff and moved to Alabama, where the only people I know are my uncle and grandmother. I left the mountains of Western North Carolina, which have been my home for 22 years. I left my school, where I finally made meaning of the word 'home.' Left behind my best friends, who have shown me how it feels to be truly loved and appreciated. They showed me what I deserve, lifted me up and brought out the best in me. But I left them behind because I knew that it was time. And moving down here was such a big thing for me, because I was so scared. But I did it, dammit. And I'm here. 
• I made it through my first phone interview last week, and have an interview in person tomorrow. Getting a job so quickly into my move here would be so awesome. I need a car. And I need something to do so I can start meeting people around here. *Crosses fingers.*
• I have a bed. Hey, that sounds stupid, but at home I slept on the floor. I didn't have my own room and I slept on the floor crammed into my little brother's room. Here, I have my own room. With a bed, a dresser, a CLOSET. It's a small luxury that people take for granted everyday. But I am so thankful for that. 
• Skype. Without it I would die. But it allows me to keep in touch with my sister and my friends while they are all a million miles away getting ready for their second semester to start. I miss them so much, but getting to see their faces and laugh with them over webcam makes the distance a little bit more manageable. 
• Being in a place with opportunities. Prattville and Montgomery are both much bigger cities than the two that I have lived in. I'm excited because you can actually go shopping in Prattville. They have stores!!!!! They have restaurants! They have things to do! Hey, those are all great things that I should be thankful for, because it's a huge step up. 
• Music. My God, I swear my Spotify is playing every single song that is relevant to me right now. I'm trying not to even push the skip button because I feel like it understands what I need right now. Music has saved my life so many times. I'm thankful for the ability to lay down and just listen to good music. 
• God is good. I need to keep that in mind. He's not going to bring me to any challenge that he knows I will not excel at. My director last year always told me that I needed to learn that "when you meet resistance, trample it." I have to understand that even through the tough times, God has my back. And I WILL get through it. But I can't give up.

Things I want to do in the near future: 

• Make a 'Good Things in 2013 jar.' Even though Stephen refuses to do it with me because he says that nothing good has happened in the first two weeks and he doesn't foresee that changing, I want to do it. I'm going to ask my Gram for a jar and decorate it, and try to fill it with good things that happen this year. And I'm not looking for major, monumental things. Simple things can be good, too. 
• Get over it. I've realized that right now, I am just not meant to be with anyone. And the person I want to be with is making me crazy. But I have to get over it, and realize that I am a piece of top quality, prime real estate. Anyone who doesn't see that, doesn't deserve me. We all know it's so much easier said than done to let something go, but I have to. And I know I can. I'm not a backup plan, a second choice, and I am not a rag doll. Gotta get over it. Move on. Let go. 
• Make a friend. I'm the kind of person that doesn't do well being alone all the time with nothing to do. People are my passion, and human interaction is as much a necessity as breathing. Although I love talking to and texting my friends from home daily, I need to find people here that I can hang out with and get to know. 
• Dance more. I find that when I dance around my room like a crazy person, I feel better. And hey, that's an easy fix to a bad mood. 

I just rambled so hard, but I have to get my thoughts out so that they don't drive me insane. I am so thankful for this change, and I know that I made the best decision in coming here. Distance ain't nothing but a thing, and I know I'll see those people I love so much soon. We'll keep in touch and they'll always be with me. Now I've got to focus on where I am and what I'm doing here. There's a reason God brought me here, and I can't wait to find out what that reason is. 2013. Live. Love. Let go. Move on. Find myself. Have fun. Go crazy. Reach. 

Adventures in Montgomery

So going into the city today was great! My uncle took me around for the majority of the afternoon. He took me to the Cloverdale community, which is right near a Huntingdon College. He used to live there in a cute little townhouse that was turned into several apartments. And I hope to move into that same house because it as super cool and very vintage. He said a lot of people my age live around there, so it would be pretty awesome to rent out an apartment that's in a house with other people who may or may not be cool. He showed me some of Alabama State, which was pretty sweet. We ate at the biggest and most delicious Chinese buffet I've ever been to. Yes, we had Chinese food two nights in a row. SUE ME!!!!! I noticed that there was a considerable amount of black people at this restaurant, which was comforting. Since I'm mixed, I enjoy seeing people of both of my races around me. There were also plenty of them at the mall my uncle took me to. The mall was very nice, very clean and had a lot of good stores. I can see myself spending some time there shopping and what not, once I make some friends of course. There were so many freaking preteens there and it made me want to shoot myself because they think they're super cool, and it's annoying. But hey, I got hit on by a 14 year old so there we go. We really did a lot of driving around and he showed me the Air Force base where he worked up until recently, as well as several other things. I can't wait until I have my own car and start to get familiar with the area. Uncle Bobby says I should consider getting a pick up truck because it will be easier when I decide to move, especially when I have to look into getting furniture and stuff. I can't really see myself driving a pickup, but hell it's the south. Whatever. I am currently in a food coma and feeling very fine, so I just wanted to get this stuff down and now I'm going to relax in my room with the lights down low. BIG Saturday night, I know. Below is a picture of that awesome house I want to live in. Or something like it, anyway.