Erase and Rewrite

Well  haven't written in a couple of weeks, but I guess that's because I've gotten on a pretty regular grind and don't have much new to talk about. I have finally settled in at Target, and have gotten the hang of my job. Lots of cool perks to working there, like they all the time have snacks and cool stuff in the breakroom for employees haha. Also, I really enjoy working with the people there, so that's awesome. I'm finally starting to come out of my shell a little bit, and show them the real Jessica. They have this misconception that I am a quiet person and... well, anyone who does know me, knows that is far from accurate! I usually work 25-30 hours a week so that keeps me relatively busy.

When I'm not working, I'm either sleeping or babysitting the boys. Nathan is about a month old now, and I actually quite enjoy babysitting him, when he's not crying or shitting on himself. Babies are cool, and spending time with Nathan makes me think a lot of random things like, how do we develop the ability to just burp on our own, without our mom rubbing our back? What if crying was the only human language? No English or French or Portuguese, just crying... That would not be fun. At all. He pops his big blue eyes open and I think about how pure he is, how innocent. He has such a clean slate and it's awesome. This morning I was holding him and I was thinking- what if I'm holding the next big rockstar? The next Elvis? The next big scientist who is going develop a cure for cancer or discover a new planet? It's so crazy, he could be anyone, anything. But for now he is just a tiny little bundle of burps and coos and cries. So beautiful, though. Last night, when my aunt asked me to babysit this morning, I found myself wanting to cry. I was actually that upset that I wasn't going to get to sleep in before work (I had to be up at 6:30). I was frustrated because I don't really like little kids, especially infants, and I just wanted to sleep after working all day and having to go back to work today. But then I was sitting there and I was like "wow, really Jessica? You're that upset because you have to wake up early in the morning? Is that the only thing you've got to complain about right now? Yeah? Okay, shut up." I had to kick back for a second and reevaluate myself in that moment. I've got a lot of good things happening right now, and a lot to be thankful for. I'm so appreciative of my uncle and his wife for letting me stay with them until I get on my feet. I'm thankful to have a bed and my own room, and food to eat every day. I'm grateful for that job that keeps me up and makes me sleepy. Because I'm making money and getting to save up for that car I've been wanting since I was 16. No, I'm not going to sit around and whine because I had to get up early this morning, because there are worse things. MUCH worse things could be happening to me right now. So I got up, got a cup of coffee and some pancakes, watched a movie, blogged, and then when Nathan woke up, I fed him and now he is back asleep. I have to get over that whole immature 'it's all about me,' mentality. Because, no- it's not.

Jason is seriously adorable when he's not crying like a little.... baby.

BIG NEWS!!!! I have finally begun the healing and moving on process from Madison. I feel like I've said this what, three or four times on my blog now. But I swear- it's true. My friends have very little faith in my abilities to actually follow through this time, which gives me more incentive to do it. What's my motivation that led to this change of heart, you may ask? Well... Last week I was talking to my mom, who has recently moved out of the house with my brother and sister- leaving my step dad. She told me she was preapproved for a loan and was looking to buy a house. My mom,.. the Trailer Park Queen of Dependency and Wrong Men, is going to buy a house. And not only that, but she is divorcing my stepfather. DIVORCE. There's a word I've been waiting to hear since I was 12. If my mom can find the strength, and more importantly the self-worth, to walk away from my stepdad after 12 years of manipulation and heartache- I can walk away from Madison. I can do it. Because I can't be a hypocrite anymore. I can't preach to my mom and my girlfriends about knowing how much you matter, never settling and never letting a guy (or girl) make you feel like you aren't worth the world. Don't keep going back to that plate that's already been picked at and prodded. The meal isn't going to be any better, and you're going to remain disappointed. It's time to order something new off the menu. I made the decision after talking to my mom, to really go through with this. I told Madison that I wasn't doing this anymore. I wasn't going to compete with her ex anymore, because if she wanted to be with me- she would. I wasn't going back and forth anymore, and I wasn't going to keep hoping for something that would never be. I told her all of that... and then I relapsed. That night, we ended up talking and having conversations that never should have happened, because I was supposed to be DONE. On Sunday, she texted me and I responded like normal. Then I got to work, and every time she texted me, my phone would freeze up. I would have to turn it off or take the battery out, then turn it back on. Same thing if I tried to text her. So I took that as a major sign. I was like, alright God... I see ya. He literally took matters into His own hands because He knew that I wasn't able to do it on my own. Clearly. So I stopped texting her, didn't call her, nothing. I took my phone to AT&T yesterday because my phone wouldn't even let me delete her message thread. I had to have my phone completely reset, and as annoying as it was to lose apps and photos, I tried to look at it as a clean slate. That's it, starting over and completely refreshing myself.

I am on a search for self-worth and self-discovery. I need to be able to be completely in love with myself so that someone else can't come along and make me feel this way again. And I need to remember that God is never going to let me down. I never have to compete for His love, and He will always be here. I don't have to change for Him, beg Him for attention, cry over Him every night. Because he's here... and he's not going anywhere. I haven't talked to Madison in 4 days. Sounds petty, but that's a huge deal for me. It hurts, I still cry, I still wonder why the fuck she doesn't care. But it's alright... it's okay. For anyone out there struggling to get over someone, or struggling to hold on to someone that you might want more than they want you- remember this:

As much as you love that person, God loves you even more. As much as you crave the attention and affection from them, God craves you a million times more than that. And you don't even have to do anything for it! He just wants you, and He wants to show you better things. So let go of that person or that thing that's holding you back from truly living and loving yourself. Let God show you the better things. Get rid of the clutter and the old dusty, useless knick knacks to make room for the cool new stuff God is moving into your closet. I love Madison, and I probably always will. But right now she is not what I need. And I am finally content with accepting that.

This morning, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. A beautiful movie with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, it presents the idea of having the ability to completely erase memories from our minds. Which, as cool as it may sound, is something I think we would all regret. I don't want to erase Madison from my memory, because she taught me a lot in my relationship with her. I recently bought a journal so I can write when I feel the urge to talk to her, or when those sad feelings come back. I am not attempting to forget my chapter with Madison or even edit it out. I'm simply moving forward with the next chapter in my book, and rewriting my character a little bit to be able to handle something like this better in the future.

Besides that, nothing new is really going on. I'm on a constant job search for something more full time and long term, keeping my fingers crossed but also trusting that God will move me when it's time. For now, I'm supposed to be at Target and under my uncle's roof, so that's where I'll stay. I am currently trying to find the balance of looking towards and planning for the future, while remembering to live for and embrace the moment and what is going on right now.

All in all, better things are to come. I am blessed, thankful, and determined to find all of the reasons to love myself. Cheers to that.

Wreck This

So I've had a good couple of days and wanted to reflect on them, since the last time I posted I was in a bit of a state of depression and that's never good. I am finally working in Guest Services at Target, and although I can't say I absolutely love it, I am getting the hang of it and it helps to pass the time. The employees there are all super nice and are so willing to help with my learning process, so that's really great. I like the management and whatnot, and am excited about saving money. That being said, I'm really looking forward to finding another job. I got a call on Friday about a position that opened up with the school district I applied and interviewed with right before graduation (a position in a school that is about 20 minutes away from WCU, and I didn't get originally). I was like, okay seriously? Two job opportunities in Western NC within the last week, what the hell is going on? So hopefully I will figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. I think it would be so crazy if I ended up going back to WNC, but if that's where God wants me, that's where I'll be.

I've been getting really involved in church lately and it's awesome. I'm now one of the leaders of the 9th and 10th grade girls' small group in Youth, and am so excited to work with them! They're an incredible, very lively, very 15 year old group of girls. Church today was fun and I went to lunch with some of the younger adults afterwards. They're all super cool, and I've found myself getting really close with Lee, who has kind of taken me in as her BFF and I keep in contact with pretty regularly throughout the week. We ate at a restaurant called Fox's Pizza, but I got a sandwich. We had to wait forever for our food, and when it finally came, my waitress handed me my plate and it hit my cup, knocking my entire Coke into my lap. It was... very cold and very hilarious. At least it got everyone at the table laughing. But I'm starting to feel more comfortable around them, and am able to be more of my outgoing, normal self with them, rather than being all shy and reserved. So lunch was awesome.

Today was such a beautiful day, and Lee and I decided to take advantage of it. We went to this river and sat down by it, intending to read- but we ended up just talking the whole time. Ah, it was such a relief... Having someone here, in person, who I can actually hold a conversation with, is awesome. I feel like we are so similar. We're both the go-to person, the shoulder to lean on, the therapist, the best friend, the person who can never have a bad day or else the rest of the world is off it's axis. But we were able to open up to each other and share our stories and things about our past, things that are hard for me to tell even my closest friends. I told her about Madison, which I was nervous to do since she is so religious and it's hard to tell how people will take certain things. But she was totally cool about it, and had great things to say about my situation. We talked about our search for the right person, trying to figure ourselves out and find love for ourselves to be able to stand alone, before being with anyone else. I'm super excited to have found a cool friend down here who is easy to talk to, passes no judgement, and gives such great advice and wise words on any type of situation. She's a blessing, really.

This evening was Youth Night, so we took the youth to a Mexican restaurant and hung out. It was fun, a really cool opportunity for me to get to know some more of the youth and just chill with them. Elizabeth is one of the girls in the 11 and 12 small group, and I know from a few things she has said while I've been around that she has struggled with self-harm in the past. Today I saw some pretty mean scars on her arms while we were eating. I hope some day we will be able to talk about it and I can share my story with her and I can just earn her trust and hear her story as well. She's really awesome and I'm excited to get to know her.

My Youth ladies!

I'm super stoked because I finally purchased a Wreck This Journal. For anyone who doesn't know, it's a journal that is basically meant to be destroyed. Destruction is another form of creation, and this book brings out your creativity. Each page has instructions on it, for example: "Color this entire page," or "Cover this page using only office supplies," or "spill your coffee on this page." The idea is to completely wreck it, and I am already having so much fun with it. It's a really cool way for me to channel some of my thoughts and energy into something creative and productive, rather than sitting around thinking myself to death.

 It's cool because it's kind of like life in a way. Life's not meant to be all perfect and preserved and going page by page in this boring, normal routine. It's meant to be destroyed and recreated and thrown around and beaten up and drawn on and worn out. Go out there. Redraw your destiny. You're only given one life. Wear it out.

Wreck it. 

Bus Rides and Best Friends: The Wheekend

This weekend I got to go up to school in NC and visit with all of my friends. I don't think I realized how much I needed this trip until I got there and was surrounded by the best people in existence on this planet, the people who make me feel whole and worth something. It was a getaway that I needed and one that made a lot of memories.

The trip started with a 16 hour bus ride on a Greyhound. Complete with layovers, sketchy people, crying babies, spotty wifi, and neck cramps- my first bus trip was one that I will never forget. This was my first time traveling alone, first time by bus, and it was... an experience, to say the least. I met some cool people, met some not so cool people, and didn't get any sleep at all. But I was really proud of myself because I kept up with my stuff and my ticket, got on all of the right buses, and didn't get myself into any trouble. It was quite the learning experience, and although it was entirely too long and I hope to never have to do it again- I value it for what it was. When I got to Cullowhee, all hell broke loose. One of my best friends, Victor, picked me up and I made him take me to Cookout first thing. I destroyed a double burger tray and a milkshake, and we caught up on the hour-drive to school. That night, I stayed at my friends' apartment, also known as the Haus of J. They are the other three J's, which make up our perfect little square: Joel, Jacob and Avery (whose real name is Javan). We stayed up late just talking and I honestly couldn't even believe I was in their presence. It felt like a dream, honestly.

Friday, I was on campus for most of the day. Jacob and I got Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast, and then I went with him to the band office to see the directors (my old bosses). I talked for about an hour with Matt, who was my favorite director and one of my role models. It was so nice to catch up with him. I ate with my best girl, Brandie and FINALLY got to see Kiara. She ran into my arms and I just couldn't believe she was standing in front of me. Katie, who graduate the semester before me, is one of my absolute best girlfriends. She came up for the weekend, too and we all got together and played Apples to Apples. Friday night, she and I went out with Stephen and his boyfriend Kurt for Mexican food and beer. Stephen is my best friend of 12 years... legitimately the best person in my life who has been with me through everything. When his car pulled up to pick me up, they blasted "Never Had a Dream Come True" by S Club 7 and he got out of the car and we just ran into each others' arms. We cried and it was beautiful. Friday night Alyssa finally arrived, and the Dream Team (me, Alyssa and Stephen) was finally reunited. We all went out to a party, which was really whack- but my God, I was just so glad to be back with them.

Saturday, I worked Open House and got to recruit, which I miss so much and was the best part of my job as Staff Coordinator last year. I talked to lots of cool kids and snagged some new members for next year! I ate Japanese food with Jasmin and Jacob at our favorite restaurant. For most of the afternoon, I was with Madison. I hadn't really decided if I wanted to see her or not, but on Friday I was walking around Coulter, saw her in a practice room, and couldn't stop myself from opening the door. We both just stared at each other, then finally hugged. The room got about 400 degrees warmer, I swear. So I decided I wanted to spend time with her on Saturday. We hung out, talked, did a lot of hugging and forcing ourselves not to go further. It was torture, but I swear she is the most beautiful creature on this planet. Saturday night, we had a surprise party for our baby girl, Rachel, who finally turned 21. That's the reason all of us graduates came up this weekend. She cried and we had a blast and it was so nice for all of us to be reunited. We celebrated at her apartment, drank, and had a great time. I stayed the night at Madison's, which I can't decide whether it was a bad decision or not. We didn't do anything, just talked and laid there.

But then Sunday morning came, and everything just... changed. We hugged and literally tortured ourselves. We tested our willpower, touching our lips together and breathing each other in. Finally we couldn't do it anymore, and we kissed. And I knew just by looking at her face, that we shouldn't have done it. It complicates things and makes us both crazy. At that point, we both lost it. Crying so hard and just hugging each other- not wanting to let go. I hated myself in that moment, for making myself vulnerable to her again. But let's face it... we both knew it was going to happen. She's my weakness, my drug. I am addicted to her, and I love her so much it hurts. It's exhausting. So when I left, I didn't know where we stood. Stephen picked me up and I collapsed in his lap. After a last supper with all of my friends at McDonald's, I finally headed back to Asheville and boarded a bus for the trip back.

Coming back was the hardest thing ever. I cried all night on the bus, thinking about the people I love so much, who I had to leave behind. Thinking about Madison, who I love more than my own life, and not knowing what's going to happen with us. I got home and slipped into a depression. I cut myself for the first time in three years. I got in bed, and didn't get up. I woke up this morning feeling like an empty shell, like I was existing but I wasn't alive. I went for a long walk today, and even ran. I ran so hard I thought my heart would beat out of my chest, ran until I couldn't breathe. I tried so hard to clear my head and talk to God, give Him everything. I came home to texts and messages from a few friends, that really uplifted my spirits. Cleaned my room and listened to some good music... Finally got a sense of life back into my veins. The truth is, I'm in love with Madison. And I just want to be able to get over it and move on. I'm weak.. I keep going back and keep getting hurt every time. I just wish we could be together. But sometimes love just isn't enough. I don't know what we'll be.

The lyrics to 'Home,' which plays every time someone opens this blog, are so true. Home really is wherever I am with those amazing people who give me life. They give me purpose, they make me feel complete. Being down here without them is so hard, and I realized that even more after getting to spend time with them this weekend. I'm so lucky to have those people in my life. This weekend was something I really needed, but now I am ready to get back focused on my life here in Alabama. I have work tomorrow, as well as church. I need to just appreciate the weekend for what it was, and look forward to the next trip. Until then- gotta focus on my life right now, right here.

Fast, Fun and Friendly

The last couple of days have been phenomenal, and I wanted to take a minute to reflect on them and get my thoughts down. I've had a great start to the week, and it can only get better with me taking a trip to Cullowhee in two days!

Church Sunday was awesome. The message was great, continuing with the idea of hopelessness and being broken. During communion, each person had a slip of paper and we all got to write down that one thing that is holding us back, that one thing that is keeping us broken. More importantly, the thing that is keeping us from God. I wrote mine down so quickly- that one little word. And threw it in the basket with all of the other folded up slips of paper. The pastor told us they would be taking them outside after the services and burning all of the slips and using the ashes as part of the Ash Wednesday service tomorrow. It was such a relief, putting that piece of paper in there and just giving everything to God. Really refreshing.

Yesterday I started my training at Target. Fun Fact: Every Target employee, down to the janitors, gets trained on a cash register their first day. Every person in the store can run a register. This helps keep up their motto of being "fast, fun and friendly." So yesterday I got trained on the register. It was fun, overall pretty easy, and went by really fast. After work, I got coffee with a girl I met at Youth last week. Her name is Norrell, she was a music major, and is the music director at the church. She's 28 and is really nice, you'd never know she is almost thirty. But we went out for coffee and talked and it was awesome. The coffee was delicious and the company was great. I really enjoyed how easy it was to talk to her and be open about our lives and just discuss random things. It was SO refreshing to get out of the house with someone other than my Gram for a little bit. She told me about her boyfriend and their group of friends, and said I should come with her to Birmingham sometimes, which would be pretty exciting. She said they like to go to bars a lot and she didn't know if that would make me uncomfortable or not. I was like.... Girl, I just got out of college. Bars are my life.

Today at work I did a lot of computer training, which was so boring I almost fell asleep like five times. But I met a really cool guy, who also happens to be extremely good looking. I tested him by getting up to see if he would talk to me first, and he did! Haha it sounds really dumb but I was so excited. He asked me my name and talked to me for a few minutes, it was cool. I'm trying really hard not to be a thirsty trick who looks at every guy she meets and asks herself if he is dating material, though. I need to be focusing on me, myself and I. The rest will come later, when God knows I'm ready for it. I was so excited today, though because I had MORE plans with another girl from church, named Lee. She is awesome and sings in the praise band. Her voice is beautiful. She's 27 but the girls around here must age really well or something, because she doesn't look that old at all. We went out for Mexican, which was delicious. And once again, the conversation was so easy and smooth and not awkward at all! I love people who can keep a conversation going with ease. We had frozen yogurt too, which was delicious. I felt great, just like myself again, which was really refreshing. We talked about what we were giving up for Lent (which starts tomorrow), and I told her I am giving up soda. I think this is going to be good for me on many different levels. I've been wanting to quit drinking sodas anyway, and now I have a reason to. Anytime I'm craving a soda or feeling desperate for one, I'm going to sit down and talk to God. I need to do more of that anyway. Lee said she is going to keep a prayer journal, and I thought that might be a good idea for me too, to see how far I've come over the course of the 40 days. I'm also hoping that it will lend me to just stop drinking sodas all together, which will lead to a healthier lifestyle in general. I'm even considering fasting at some point once I have money to purchase fruits and vegetables. I'm looking into it, at least.

Rain has been drenching our little hole in Alabama for several days now. It's been non-stop thundering and lightning and pouring. Although I'm getting pretty tired of it, I'm looking at it as a sort of metaphor. A symbol of the cleansing I am trying to do in my entire life. I just want to let go of all of the negativity, all of the doubt, all of the stuff from the past that is holding me back. I think I'm doing a really good job of it so far, and the rain is kind of symbolizing that. Out with the bad, and in with the good. Letting go of the things that have done me wrong, and welcoming the new great people and opportunities that are showing up in my life.

Life is moving right along, pretty fast. I'm finally starting to have fun, and so thankful for these friendly new faces that are helping me with this entire experience. So excited!

Just in Time

My Gram invited me to join her today for a Valentine's tea party at her church. I wasn't particularly excited about it, honestly, but I went with her anyway. The place was decorated really fancy with pretty china and lots of red and pink ornaments and glittery stuff. It was so loud with woman chatter- old lady gossip, if you will. But the tea was good and there were cucumber sandwiches and various pastries, so I sat down with her and we drank and ate and I listened to her and the ladies at our table swap stories. 

During the tea, various people stood up in the front on a stage and performed. They sang songs from "the Golden Age." The announcer introduced one of the acts as a 'lovely young couple,' so it was pretty funny when this man and lady, both at least 70, walked up to the stage. The announcer told the audience about how these two had just been engaged and married last year. They sang "Just in Time" from the 1956 musical, Bells are Ringing. They were so adorable... They looked at each other like they were teenagers at spring formal or something. She kept grabbing his hand as she sang and he put his arm around her. They would stop singing and just look at each other and laugh. A woman at our table told us about how both of them had lost their spouses in the past. Yet somehow, they had found each other. I couldn't stop myself from tearing up thinking about how beautiful it was. 

Here I am, barely 22 years old. Just out of college, with no real life experience under my belt. Really only ever been in one relationship, and the past five months barely count because I was clinging on to a halfway relationship with a person who was still way too attached to her ex to notice the girl standing right in front of her. So no real experience, no lengthy several-year relationship to go off of, plenty of time ahead of me... And I can't stop dwelling on this one heartbreak. I can't allow myself the respect and right of getting over it and just moving on. Because it's always easier said than done, right? I had never understood how my girlfriends could keep going back and forth, in and out over and over with the same guy a million times. Some tool who didn't even deserve the first chance they gave him. I thought my friends were idiots, and told myself that I was stronger and smarter than that. Then came Madison- and holy hell did she come through like a tornado. She completely uprooted my trailer park heart, and spun me around a million times until I was too dizzy to see straight and all of my panels were gone. She made it impossible for me to say no, she took me places I had never been. And she provided me with my first broken heart. I never thought I would be one to give my heart away so easily. Never thought I would find myself saying the L word so quickly, to someone who wasn't even technically my girlfriend. But I slipped and fell in her icy embrace, and I never really warmed back up from that. Now I'm five hours away, and we have once again gone our separate ways. And I know that this time it's for good, that there won't be anymore oh maybe this time it'll be right. No- it's just done. And most days I'm okay with it, and sometimes I get so sad that I want to bury myself in the ground and wait to die. Here I sit, wallowing in my own self-pity, hating myself for giving myself away so easily, and accepting that there is just no hope for me and I will never find love. 

What the HELL is wrong with me? I'm an idiot, that's what's wrong. Seeing people like this beautiful couple, who have loved and lost, have suffered and rejoiced, and been in love time and time again- seeing them find each other at such an old age.. is so beautiful. Love knows no age, it knows no race or religion or gender. It simply is. And it IS patient, and it IS kind. I heard about this blogger named Mandy, who is widely known as The Single Woman. She blogs and tweets some pretty inspirational stuff, and I recently ordered her book on my kindle. I just finished it in one sitting. Her words were so witty, so funny, so smart, and so TRUE, that I couldn't put the book down. This book is all about letting go and moving on and knowing how truly fabulous you are. The idea is that we should never keep a person, job, opportunity, or feeling in our lives that isn't doing us good. People and things come and go. They teach us lessons, they shape who we are. And not every person is meant to be in your life forever. Here is an awesome quote from her book that stuck with me: 

"The truth is, friends and lovers and opportunities will come into our lives and, in some cases, shake us to our very core along the way... However, not all are meant to stay." 

I read that over and over again, so many times and repeated it in my head. I think that people come into our lives for a reason. As Frank Ocean says, they're either a blessing or a lesson. Either way, sometimes the only thing we can do is truly let go of a situation or a relationship or person that isn't doing anything to help us further ourselves along. 

I'm twenty-freaking-two years old. I've got so much time left to find love and meet people and do all of that sappy future wedding marriage stuff. Right now, I want to focus on being the absolute best Jessica that I can be. So that when someone does come along, they simply cannot resist me. I want to put my effort into focusing on right now and cultivating my future, not dwelling on things that happened in the past. There are people out there who have it much worse than I do, who have experienced worst relationships than I have. I need to stop being so damn selfish and whiny, and get the hell over it. It's time to let go and move on- for real. Not pretend I'm going to and find myself sulking in the shower the next day. 

I'm so thankful for these random things that have been happening lately to help me open my eyes to reality. I'm growing up and learning so much, and it's awesome. I'm thankful to have found a good church, with people my age who actually text me and make plans! I'm thankful to have a new job and being able to get started on that. I'm focusing on right now, all of these great new opportunities that are arising for me. God is speaking to me, and I can't ignore Him. 

"You will never find your future in the rear-view mirror." 

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The Great Perhaps

Tonight is one of those nights where I start to think too much for my own good. But I think maybe it didn't turn out to be such a bad thing. I'm the worst overthinker in the world... I think we all become guilty of it. We get lost in our thoughts, we literally let them consume us to the point where they can drive us mad. We overanalyze, we create scenarios in our head, we replay mistakes and bad moments from the past over and over again. It's the worst human trait, if you ask me. It can literally drive people over the edge.

Today I found myself lost in thought and I was tired of it. You know how you start thinking about something, something that hurts you, and it can literally make your body hurt? That happened to me today, as it has been happening a lot. You get so weighed down with thoughts about something that it becomes more than just a mental thing. It becomes physically exhausting. For me, my back gets really tense and the muscles in my shoulder tighten up. I'm so physically uncomfortable that I just want to cry. It sucks when someone or something has the power to make you feel like that. But anyway, I was getting really tired of it. So I decided to do some meditating. I put on some soft music and laid down in the dark, sprawled out on the bed with my eyes closed. I tried to remain as loose and relaxed as possible, and focused on breathing in and out. At first, my thoughts were consuming me. But as I focused on my breathing, I began to find my center. My limbs got looser, my back started to loosen up, and the thoughts slowed down in my head. I did some talking to God, calling out to him. I cried some. And then I just kept breathing in and out slowly, until I fell asleep. When I woke up, I felt refreshed and devoured some pizza. But I guess really the important thing I got from this afternoon is just the value of personal time, and personal meditation. Letting everything go and dropping all of the social media, technology, people, for a little bit and just getting back to your center.

When I left my Gram's house to go back to my house tonight, I walked outside and noticed that the sky was so perfectly clear. There were stars everywhere, dusting the sky so perfectly. I went out on the deck and sat on the railing, staring up at the sky. I felt so tiny in that moment, one of those times where you realize just how tiny you really are in the grand scheme of things. But then I got to talking to God and just thinking to myself, staring at the stars, and I thought about John Green's book, Looking for Alaska. In the book, Pudge talks about some famous person's last words: "I go to seek the Great Perhaps." I started thinking about what exactly that means. Yes, in the grand scheme of the universe- I'm tiny. A speck. Not even. But here, in this world, in this country and down to the point of this state, this town- I can be something. I just want to be great. I want to change lives, I want to influence other tiny meaningless specks. As many as I can, actually. I made the decision that I'm going to go out and seek the Great Perhaps. Doesn't that sound fascinating? The realm of everything that could be, the giant scope of every single what-if. I want to do that. I want to ask questions, and see things and go places and meet people and touch them. I want to learn new things and develop new hobbies and get better at my old ones and be the best person I can be for my short time in the grand scheme. I want to let go of things I can't change, say goodbye to people who don't help me achieve what I want. I can't keep holding onto the past. I can't hold grudges, can't be mean. But at the same time, I can't keep excusing actions that aren't bettering me. I can't hold onto things that I wish were. I can only accept what is, and decide what will be.

Those stars were so beautiful tonight. The cold night air on my skin, I felt relaxed. I lifted my hands and gave everything to the higher being and said please... I give myself away. Use me. Take me. Mold me. I'm going to search out that Great Perhaps. In every sense possible.

Here's to being a speck.

Loves Like a Hurricane

It's a typical Wednesday night: sitting in my room listening to music, just got done watching American Idol. But it's not really a normal Wednesday because I actually had something to do, and it's also my last night of unemployment and lameness (well, maybe not so much the lame part, but we're working on it).

I'm super excited because I got a call from Target yesterday, confirming that I FINALLY start job orientation there tomorrow at 3. All I can say is, thank goodness. Because I was seriously starting to get frustrated and antsy. But she called and told me I start tomorrow, so I'm super thankful and ready to get started. Gram and I went into town yesterday afternoon so I could start looking for red shirts and khaki pants. Since I don't have much money right now, I got a couple shirts from the thrift store (and a sweater I just couldn't resist buying), and bought some khakis from Ross. It's a start, and I'll be able to buy more once I have more money. I'm really going into this job with a positive outlook. At the very least, it is an opportunity to save up some money and get started on paying fora car. Hopefully some cool coworkers and friendships will come out of it. That would be a nice plus. And I'll continue to search for something more permanent and substantial. So excited for my first day, though!

Tonight I went back to the Methodist church. One of the girls I met on Sunday, Lee, has been texting me some throughout the week and invited me to help her with the youth tonight. Well I got there, and she was running late, so I had to call Woods and ask him to help me find out where I was supposed to be going. I got up to the youth room and it was slightly awkward because I hadn't met any of the kids yet, and I was just the random stranger sitting there while everyone else has known each other since they were in diapers at Sunday School. However, a girl invited me to sit at a table with her, and she is a couple of years older than me. Her name is Norrel, and she was super nice. I found out that she was a Music Ed major, which is awesome because all of my friends from school are. And she is the music director at the church. She was so nice and gave me her number, insisting that we get together for lunch sometime next week. I'm telling you, Prattville has some nice freaking people in it. We ate pizza and had drinks, then sang a couple of worship songs and watched a brief video. Then the kids break up into their small groups, where a leader talks with them about the message and they just chat and things like that. Lee still wasn't there, but Molly, an older lady with two teenage kids, invited me to come with her to Lee's group. She and Lee lead the female 11th and 12th grade group. There were four girls in there tonight, and they were all nice. Rachel and Hannah are both blonde, and girls that if I were in high school, I would have hated... Because, ya know, we make judgments about people before we know them. Elizabeth wore her hair curly today, and I told her I liked her hair. She said it was the first time she'd ever worn it curly, and someone at school told her she looked like a wet dog... I didn't really know what to say to that. Eliza doesn't talk. She sat in the corner with her oversized sweater and giant bun on the top of her head, and ate her pizza silently. She intrigued me the most, of course.

The message was about cruel temptations. In other words: the fact that it is so easy for people to be mean and judgmental towards others. We discussed why people are so cruel, why we pick on each other, etc. The girls were slow to talk at first, but I initiated the discussion and just jumped in there. I quickly realized that Hannah and Rachel are not as annoying blonde as they seemed. They are both going to Auburn University in the Fall, both make great grades, and are both totally immersed in the Lord. It was awesome. I also found out that last year, Elizabeth struggled with self-harm and was hospitalized for it. That really struck me, because it's something I have dealt with in the past and will always have a place in my heart. I hope that once I start going and being around them more, I'll be able to talk with Elizabeth about that. We discussed how, as girls, it is so easy for us to hate on other women because we are constantly insecure about ourselves. We use it as a coping mechanism, but at the end of the day- we still go home hating ourselves. These girls were really smart and had a lot of good things to say. And I think they valued what I had to say, almost like a big sister. I thought it was crazy that this was the message tonight, because I was just talking with my friend Brandie the other day about how we never know what someone else is going through. We made a pact a couple of nights ago to really try not to talk about people and hate on them, especially for things like their outward appearance. I shared this story with the girls and they seemed to really enjoy it.

Overall, I had a great time getting to know these girls and am very excited to keep working with them. As I was watching American Idol tonight, Norrel texted me and asked me about my experience. She sent me a picture of herself when she was drum major at AUM, and it was hilarious. She also reminded me to text her my schedule so that we can make plans for lunch, and wished me luck for my first day. It's incredible how nice some people are. It's inspiring and gives me a desire to be even nicer than I already try to be. It really is true, that if we treat people the way we want to be treated- the world could be such a better place. I'm going to work on that, and share this experience with Brandie. God is really speaking to me right now, and it's awesome.

In a week, I'll be packing my stuff and getting ready for the 16 hour bus ride to Cullowhee. I'm so stoked to get up there and see my people again. But for now, I'm trying to just focus on where I am here and now. Can't hold myself back. Gotta be fierce and go after life and live in the moment. Because it's happening, with or without me.

Click this link:
How He Loves; David Crowder Band