First Breakdown.

Well I had my first breakdown yesterday, and I have to say I think it came out of nowhere. It was weird because I have been in such a great mood lately. But I do have Bipolar Disorder, and unfortunately, that means that sometimes my mood is completely out of my hands. We were having a birthday party for my cousin Caroline, who is 13 today. Kathy's parents came and my grandparents were here as well. We had pizza and soda and everyone was in a good mood. But everything was getting on my nerves. I have this weird thing about me, which makes everyday sounds amplify in my head and drive me insane. For example: breathing, snoring, chewing, slurping, tapping pens, ticking clocks, popping gum. Those things are the worst. Well my granddad happens to be the loudest chewer in history. And I swear it was driving me crazy. My cousin Maddie was slurping her coke out of the bottle cap and I seriously thought I was going to punch her in the face. I wish that I didn't have this stupid quirk (my sister found out it is a legit condition called Misophonia- which has no cure). Because it makes me insane. And simple sounds can drive me to the point of tears, where I am so anxious and so uncomfortable. Also every time someone spoke I just got annoyed. I don't know what was happening to me, but I feel like I was just overwhelmed. I'm having to readjust to being around a 'family' again, and not being on my own. I'm not used to being surrounded by anyone other than college kids my age. And I think it's taking a toll on me. I had to leave the table and went into my room, laid down on the bed and cried for a few minutes. I wanted to text someone, but my friends are slowly starting to text me less and less. I know they are busy living their lives and being happy and excited about the new year and semester. So I didn't text anyone and I laid there and cried. I missed them lighting the candles and singing happy birthday. I dried my eyes and decided I needed to suck it up and eat some cake and ice cream. Once I was done I walked over to my Gram's and I started to really feel better. I hate my disorder, it makes me crazy. And it always puts me in a bad mood at the worst times. Today, I am working on not being pissed at Madison. It's not really working, but I vented on Tumblr and got everything out, so now I just really need to move on. I want to remain in that state where I'm like 'fuck you, I'm brilliant. See ya never.' I don't want to cry over her, or be mad about it or anything. I just want to let it go and FORGET. Move on. She fucked me up. But I gotta keep it moving.

Yesterday I took my drug test for this job at Target. I am sincerely praying that I passed the test. It's been about two weeks since I last smoked, for my birthday. And I drank a lot of water and am hoping for the best. Having to explain that one to my family would just... not be good. So please, let us all say a prayer that I passed my drug test and can start working soon. So ready to get my life started here! I don't want to be lonely and bitter and sad. I want to be happy and excited!!!!!!!!!!