During the tea, various people stood up in the front on a stage and performed. They sang songs from "the Golden Age." The announcer introduced one of the acts as a 'lovely young couple,' so it was pretty funny when this man and lady, both at least 70, walked up to the stage. The announcer told the audience about how these two had just been engaged and married last year. They sang "Just in Time" from the 1956 musical, Bells are Ringing. They were so adorable... They looked at each other like they were teenagers at spring formal or something. She kept grabbing his hand as she sang and he put his arm around her. They would stop singing and just look at each other and laugh. A woman at our table told us about how both of them had lost their spouses in the past. Yet somehow, they had found each other. I couldn't stop myself from tearing up thinking about how beautiful it was.
Here I am, barely 22 years old. Just out of college, with no real life experience under my belt. Really only ever been in one relationship, and the past five months barely count because I was clinging on to a halfway relationship with a person who was still way too attached to her ex to notice the girl standing right in front of her. So no real experience, no lengthy several-year relationship to go off of, plenty of time ahead of me... And I can't stop dwelling on this one heartbreak. I can't allow myself the respect and right of getting over it and just moving on. Because it's always easier said than done, right? I had never understood how my girlfriends could keep going back and forth, in and out over and over with the same guy a million times. Some tool who didn't even deserve the first chance they gave him. I thought my friends were idiots, and told myself that I was stronger and smarter than that. Then came Madison- and holy hell did she come through like a tornado. She completely uprooted my trailer park heart, and spun me around a million times until I was too dizzy to see straight and all of my panels were gone. She made it impossible for me to say no, she took me places I had never been. And she provided me with my first broken heart. I never thought I would be one to give my heart away so easily. Never thought I would find myself saying the L word so quickly, to someone who wasn't even technically my girlfriend. But I slipped and fell in her icy embrace, and I never really warmed back up from that. Now I'm five hours away, and we have once again gone our separate ways. And I know that this time it's for good, that there won't be anymore oh maybe this time it'll be right. No- it's just done. And most days I'm okay with it, and sometimes I get so sad that I want to bury myself in the ground and wait to die. Here I sit, wallowing in my own self-pity, hating myself for giving myself away so easily, and accepting that there is just no hope for me and I will never find love.
What the HELL is wrong with me? I'm an idiot, that's what's wrong. Seeing people like this beautiful couple, who have loved and lost, have suffered and rejoiced, and been in love time and time again- seeing them find each other at such an old age.. is so beautiful. Love knows no age, it knows no race or religion or gender. It simply is. And it IS patient, and it IS kind. I heard about this blogger named Mandy, who is widely known as The Single Woman. She blogs and tweets some pretty inspirational stuff, and I recently ordered her book on my kindle. I just finished it in one sitting. Her words were so witty, so funny, so smart, and so TRUE, that I couldn't put the book down. This book is all about letting go and moving on and knowing how truly fabulous you are. The idea is that we should never keep a person, job, opportunity, or feeling in our lives that isn't doing us good. People and things come and go. They teach us lessons, they shape who we are. And not every person is meant to be in your life forever. Here is an awesome quote from her book that stuck with me:
"The truth is, friends and lovers and opportunities will come into our lives and, in some cases, shake us to our very core along the way... However, not all are meant to stay."
I read that over and over again, so many times and repeated it in my head. I think that people come into our lives for a reason. As Frank Ocean says, they're either a blessing or a lesson. Either way, sometimes the only thing we can do is truly let go of a situation or a relationship or person that isn't doing anything to help us further ourselves along.
I'm twenty-freaking-two years old. I've got so much time left to find love and meet people and do all of that sappy future wedding marriage stuff. Right now, I want to focus on being the absolute best Jessica that I can be. So that when someone does come along, they simply cannot resist me. I want to put my effort into focusing on right now and cultivating my future, not dwelling on things that happened in the past. There are people out there who have it much worse than I do, who have experienced worst relationships than I have. I need to stop being so damn selfish and whiny, and get the hell over it. It's time to let go and move on- for real. Not pretend I'm going to and find myself sulking in the shower the next day.
I'm so thankful for these random things that have been happening lately to help me open my eyes to reality. I'm growing up and learning so much, and it's awesome. I'm thankful to have found a good church, with people my age who actually text me and make plans! I'm thankful to have a new job and being able to get started on that. I'm focusing on right now, all of these great new opportunities that are arising for me. God is speaking to me, and I can't ignore Him.
"You will never find your future in the rear-view mirror."
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