The Great Perhaps

Tonight is one of those nights where I start to think too much for my own good. But I think maybe it didn't turn out to be such a bad thing. I'm the worst overthinker in the world... I think we all become guilty of it. We get lost in our thoughts, we literally let them consume us to the point where they can drive us mad. We overanalyze, we create scenarios in our head, we replay mistakes and bad moments from the past over and over again. It's the worst human trait, if you ask me. It can literally drive people over the edge.

Today I found myself lost in thought and I was tired of it. You know how you start thinking about something, something that hurts you, and it can literally make your body hurt? That happened to me today, as it has been happening a lot. You get so weighed down with thoughts about something that it becomes more than just a mental thing. It becomes physically exhausting. For me, my back gets really tense and the muscles in my shoulder tighten up. I'm so physically uncomfortable that I just want to cry. It sucks when someone or something has the power to make you feel like that. But anyway, I was getting really tired of it. So I decided to do some meditating. I put on some soft music and laid down in the dark, sprawled out on the bed with my eyes closed. I tried to remain as loose and relaxed as possible, and focused on breathing in and out. At first, my thoughts were consuming me. But as I focused on my breathing, I began to find my center. My limbs got looser, my back started to loosen up, and the thoughts slowed down in my head. I did some talking to God, calling out to him. I cried some. And then I just kept breathing in and out slowly, until I fell asleep. When I woke up, I felt refreshed and devoured some pizza. But I guess really the important thing I got from this afternoon is just the value of personal time, and personal meditation. Letting everything go and dropping all of the social media, technology, people, for a little bit and just getting back to your center.

When I left my Gram's house to go back to my house tonight, I walked outside and noticed that the sky was so perfectly clear. There were stars everywhere, dusting the sky so perfectly. I went out on the deck and sat on the railing, staring up at the sky. I felt so tiny in that moment, one of those times where you realize just how tiny you really are in the grand scheme of things. But then I got to talking to God and just thinking to myself, staring at the stars, and I thought about John Green's book, Looking for Alaska. In the book, Pudge talks about some famous person's last words: "I go to seek the Great Perhaps." I started thinking about what exactly that means. Yes, in the grand scheme of the universe- I'm tiny. A speck. Not even. But here, in this world, in this country and down to the point of this state, this town- I can be something. I just want to be great. I want to change lives, I want to influence other tiny meaningless specks. As many as I can, actually. I made the decision that I'm going to go out and seek the Great Perhaps. Doesn't that sound fascinating? The realm of everything that could be, the giant scope of every single what-if. I want to do that. I want to ask questions, and see things and go places and meet people and touch them. I want to learn new things and develop new hobbies and get better at my old ones and be the best person I can be for my short time in the grand scheme. I want to let go of things I can't change, say goodbye to people who don't help me achieve what I want. I can't keep holding onto the past. I can't hold grudges, can't be mean. But at the same time, I can't keep excusing actions that aren't bettering me. I can't hold onto things that I wish were. I can only accept what is, and decide what will be.

Those stars were so beautiful tonight. The cold night air on my skin, I felt relaxed. I lifted my hands and gave everything to the higher being and said please... I give myself away. Use me. Take me. Mold me. I'm going to search out that Great Perhaps. In every sense possible.

Here's to being a speck.