This weekend I got to go up to school in NC and visit with all of my friends. I don't think I realized how much I needed this trip until I got there and was surrounded by the best people in existence on this planet, the people who make me feel whole and worth something. It was a getaway that I needed and one that made a lot of memories.
The trip started with a 16 hour bus ride on a Greyhound. Complete with layovers, sketchy people, crying babies, spotty wifi, and neck cramps- my first bus trip was one that I will never forget. This was my first time traveling alone, first time by bus, and it was... an experience, to say the least. I met some cool people, met some not so cool people, and didn't get any sleep at all. But I was really proud of myself because I kept up with my stuff and my ticket, got on all of the right buses, and didn't get myself into any trouble. It was quite the learning experience, and although it was entirely too long and I hope to never have to do it again- I value it for what it was. When I got to Cullowhee, all hell broke loose. One of my best friends, Victor, picked me up and I made him take me to Cookout first thing. I destroyed a double burger tray and a milkshake, and we caught up on the hour-drive to school. That night, I stayed at my friends' apartment, also known as the Haus of J. They are the other three J's, which make up our perfect little square: Joel, Jacob and Avery (whose real name is Javan). We stayed up late just talking and I honestly couldn't even believe I was in their presence. It felt like a dream, honestly.
Friday, I was on campus for most of the day. Jacob and I got Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast, and then I went with him to the band office to see the directors (my old bosses). I talked for about an hour with Matt, who was my favorite director and one of my role models. It was so nice to catch up with him. I ate with my best girl, Brandie and FINALLY got to see Kiara. She ran into my arms and I just couldn't believe she was standing in front of me. Katie, who graduate the semester before me, is one of my absolute best girlfriends. She came up for the weekend, too and we all got together and played Apples to Apples. Friday night, she and I went out with Stephen and his boyfriend Kurt for Mexican food and beer. Stephen is my best friend of 12 years... legitimately the best person in my life who has been with me through everything. When his car pulled up to pick me up, they blasted "Never Had a Dream Come True" by S Club 7 and he got out of the car and we just ran into each others' arms. We cried and it was beautiful. Friday night Alyssa finally arrived, and the Dream Team (me, Alyssa and Stephen) was finally reunited. We all went out to a party, which was really whack- but my God, I was just so glad to be back with them.
Saturday, I worked Open House and got to recruit, which I miss so much and was the best part of my job as Staff Coordinator last year. I talked to lots of cool kids and snagged some new members for next year! I ate Japanese food with Jasmin and Jacob at our favorite restaurant. For most of the afternoon, I was with Madison. I hadn't really decided if I wanted to see her or not, but on Friday I was walking around Coulter, saw her in a practice room, and couldn't stop myself from opening the door. We both just stared at each other, then finally hugged. The room got about 400 degrees warmer, I swear. So I decided I wanted to spend time with her on Saturday. We hung out, talked, did a lot of hugging and forcing ourselves not to go further. It was torture, but I swear she is the most beautiful creature on this planet. Saturday night, we had a surprise party for our baby girl, Rachel, who finally turned 21. That's the reason all of us graduates came up this weekend. She cried and we had a blast and it was so nice for all of us to be reunited. We celebrated at her apartment, drank, and had a great time. I stayed the night at Madison's, which I can't decide whether it was a bad decision or not. We didn't do anything, just talked and laid there.
But then Sunday morning came, and everything just... changed. We hugged and literally tortured ourselves. We tested our willpower, touching our lips together and breathing each other in. Finally we couldn't do it anymore, and we kissed. And I knew just by looking at her face, that we shouldn't have done it. It complicates things and makes us both crazy. At that point, we both lost it. Crying so hard and just hugging each other- not wanting to let go. I hated myself in that moment, for making myself vulnerable to her again. But let's face it... we both knew it was going to happen. She's my weakness, my drug. I am addicted to her, and I love her so much it hurts. It's exhausting. So when I left, I didn't know where we stood. Stephen picked me up and I collapsed in his lap. After a last supper with all of my friends at McDonald's, I finally headed back to Asheville and boarded a bus for the trip back.
Coming back was the hardest thing ever. I cried all night on the bus, thinking about the people I love so much, who I had to leave behind. Thinking about Madison, who I love more than my own life, and not knowing what's going to happen with us. I got home and slipped into a depression. I cut myself for the first time in three years. I got in bed, and didn't get up. I woke up this morning feeling like an empty shell, like I was existing but I wasn't alive. I went for a long walk today, and even ran. I ran so hard I thought my heart would beat out of my chest, ran until I couldn't breathe. I tried so hard to clear my head and talk to God, give Him everything. I came home to texts and messages from a few friends, that really uplifted my spirits. Cleaned my room and listened to some good music... Finally got a sense of life back into my veins. The truth is, I'm in love with Madison. And I just want to be able to get over it and move on. I'm weak.. I keep going back and keep getting hurt every time. I just wish we could be together. But sometimes love just isn't enough. I don't know what we'll be.
The lyrics to 'Home,' which plays every time someone opens this blog, are so true. Home really is wherever I am with those amazing people who give me life. They give me purpose, they make me feel complete. Being down here without them is so hard, and I realized that even more after getting to spend time with them this weekend. I'm so lucky to have those people in my life. This weekend was something I really needed, but now I am ready to get back focused on my life here in Alabama. I have work tomorrow, as well as church. I need to just appreciate the weekend for what it was, and look forward to the next trip. Until then- gotta focus on my life right now, right here.
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